Saturday, June 15, 2013

Repurposed


You can tell I don't have infants anymore because I'm getting back to crafting.  Recently I took this birdcage I had purchased at a yard sale in college, painted it, cut out some wires, added some dowels and hooks, and gave it a clear coat.  Now instead of collecting dust it is a decor item in my bedroom that is both useful and interestingly beautiful. 

 
By adopting Joni I thought we were doing something similar but on a much larger scale.  By taking a baby languishing at an institution and bringing her home into a loving family she would become a productive member of society with useful roles as a sister, daughter, grand-daughter, niece, and friend.  I assumed after little TLC and intentional therapy her inner beauty and God-given talents would emerge and bring beauty and light to the world.  And this is true.  But unlike my little craft projects, it hasn't been only me who has been doing the hard work.  In fact, if anything I have gotten in the way of the creative process.  Most of her progress is due to Joni and her Heavenly Father.  Furthermore, I've discovered it's not only Joni who needed a make-over.  It has been a family overhaul, mostly centering around my own sanctification process.  It is much harder to be WORKED ON then to WORK ON something/someone else..at least for me.  I only hope and pray that at the end of this I can be described as someone useful and interestingly beautiful.  Joni is there already.
 
 
 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Updates Photos of My Cutie Pie

All is going well.  Joni is talking constantly now, loves playing with other kids, is very helpful and well behaved.  She is silly, funny, smart, and perceptive.  We love her dearly and are so thankful she is a part of our family.  Adoption and Joni have changed us in amazing ways for the good.  She continues to struggle with some food obsession, doesn't show any empathy towards others, only tolerates (doesn't seem to enjoy and only rarely initiates) affection, and occasionally treats her brother like he's a threat to her survival.  The mommy and daughter bond continues to grow but we'd still love your prayers.  We are looking forward to celebrating her adoption day in a few weeks.  Can't believe it's only been two years since we brought her home!

 

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Hardest Part (for me) in Adoptive Parenting

*This article is an excerpt from Chapter 6 of Created To Connect: A Christian’s Guide to The Connected Child. This study guide companion to The Connected Child can be downloaded for free. Printed copies of the study guide are also available for purchase. www.empoweredtoconnect.org


What if becoming the parent God has called you to be to your child from a hard place means that you need to un-learn as much or more than you need to learn? What if many of the popular approaches to parenting and discipline, many of which are regarded as “biblical,” actually aren’t best for your child given his background and history and what he needs to heal and grow? What if the parenting program you previously used, even with great success, when raising and training your other children needs to be significantly altered or even discarded for the child you adopted? What if the parenting techniques that most of your friends are using or that you grew up with are likely to be ineffective in achieving long-lasting change for the child you now love and desire to connect with?

I believe that parents need to seriously consider these and many similar questions as they set the course for how to best relate to and parent children from hard places. More importantly, parents need to honestly engage the question, “Am I willing to unlearn and let go of certain ways of parenting?” If you’re willing, what “new things” do you need to learn and, most importantly, how do you go about doing this?

We have come to conclude that many traditional parenting approaches and programs, including many promoted in our churches, are simply not effective for children from hard places. Many of these approaches often tend toward the extremes, while also failing to reflect the heart of God for our children. They are either overly harsh, punitive and authoritarian in nature (referred to in the child development literature as “Authoritarian Parenting”) or overly permissive, excusing and lacking a healthy amount of structure (referred to as “Permissive Parenting”). Tragically, parenting styles falling within either of these extremes often serve to compound the problems they intend to address, while leaving parents and children more frustrated, disconnected and discontent.

As we mentioned, many parents are inclined toward Authoritarian Parenting or a “law and order” approach, focusing almost exclusively on structure—rules, requirements, control, consequences and punishment. Misbehavior is met with more and more structure, with a focus on changing the behavior above all else. With this high structure, low nurture approach, every offense is met with a consequence or punishment, and as the behaviors persist or escalate so too does the punishment.

Yet both research and experience show this approach is almost certain to fail with at-risk children. Because many of our children lack a solid foundation of trust, which ideally would’ve been established in the first year of life, attempts to establish authority (i.e., “who’s the boss”) without connection generally prove ineffective. Ironically, research indicates this reality persists even as children grow older, evidenced, for example, by the fact that children from homes with an emphasis on structure without a corresponding emphasis on nurture are more likely to engage in hard drug use and other acting out behaviors as teens.

Conversely, other parents practice Permissive Parenting by focusing almost exclusively on nurture, ignoring altogether their child’s need for structure to learn to regulate his behavior and develop healthy relationships. In their desire to be compassionate and extend grace to their child, these parents sacrifice the structure their child needs. This is seen in a parent who allows her child to behave in hurtful and even cruel ways because, as she said, “he has already been through so much I simply want to show him God’s love and grace.” One mother told us she allowed her daughter to repeatedly attack her, bruising her face and body, and accepted the beatings believing she was showing her God’s love. Instead of helping their child heal and grow, however, these parents are offering “cheap grace” by allowing their child to operate without boundaries, guidance and correction. As a result, this approach also fails to bring about the lasting change parents desire, just as it does in our lives when we cheapen the grace God extends to us.

Instead, we are convinced that parents need to find a new balance in their approach to parenting, referred to as an Authoritative Parenting style. Particularly for children with difficult and painful histories, parents need to apply this balance in order to truly connect with their children and lead them toward healing and lasting connections. This balance isn’t found so much in mastering the “right” parenting program (be it “Christian” or otherwise) as it is in understanding and applying the principles of Paul’s instructions in Ephesians 6:4 to “take our children by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master” (The Message). Different translations and versions of Scripture use slightly different terms to communicate this point (including “nurture and admonition,” “discipline and instruction,” and “training and instruction”) but the essential idea remains: as parents we are responsible for connecting with and correcting our children in a way that shows them the love of Jesus. It is in providing a consistent balance comprised of equal parts of high nurture (connecting) and high structure (correcting) that we can best lead our children in the direction they need to go and show them the love of God in tangible ways.

This conclusion is also supported by child development research that confirms that an optimal environment for children is one in which there is an equal balance between nurture and structure. This Authoritative Parenting style is rooted in the belief that the Law (structure) is our teacher and that Grace (nurture) is our guide. In fact, the research supports that those children who experience this ideal balance are at a lower risk for acting out behaviors in adolescence. The parent who understands the need for a balance of nurture and structure is most likely to be successful with the at-risk child.

I like to think of this as yet another example of science catching up with God. After all, isn’t this how God relates to us as His children? Using a balance of both nurture (His tender mercies) and structure (His guiding hand that directs and corrects us), He kindly, yet firmly, leads us into a right relationship with Him. The apostle Paul puts it this way: “God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change” (Romans 2:4, The Message). Both we and our children need love that is expressed in ways that lead to connection and transformation.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Best Blog Ever

So anyone who is interested in adoption or family should be reading this blog.  Jen Hatmaker is frank, perceptive and funny. 

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/08/21/the-truth-about-adoption-one-year-later

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Good Days!

The last month has been really good.  In fact I started to chart "bad days" (defined as Joni being distant, mean to Colston, fearful, self reliant and mommy being short fused, annoyed, not gentle, and not concerned with actions that promote attachment) and we had only two this month...TWO!  That's awesome and Joni got sick one of those days so that explains one of the those days and my cycle could have had something to do with the other day.  This is really exciting for me.  Not only that but Joni has really begun to show her true personality to my family and friends without inhibitions.  This is such a blessing because I have had the pleasure of knowing her silliness and intellect but it means so much to me that others can now see her too.  People who have loved and prayed and supported us through our journey especially.  I finally feel like we are at the "other end".  This last week a friend who I met over the Internet was in China adopting her daughter from the same orphanage as Joni.  Her blog and photos brought back a ton of memories.  On one hand their trip made me sentimental and even wistful for that moment when we were handed Joni.  On the other hand I don't envy the next couple of weeks/months/even years they will have to adjust.  Not all stories are the same but the year and a half after bringing Joni home was the hardest of my life and there were some really dark moments.  But today I can't imagine life or our family without her, I experience huge regret even thinking for a second about reversing our decision to adopt.  We all LOVE Joni and Joni LOVES us.  This is so beautiful and came about like a miracle, a miracle I doubted at times but was granted by God's grace none the less.    

Friday, July 20, 2012

A Bad Day

So today has been one of our classic "bad days" in terms of mine and Joni's relationship.  She has been fussy, distant and unhappy all day.  She has disobeyed in practically every area we've worked on since she's been home including, but not limited to; stealing food from her siblings, using off limits electronics, refusal to take turns with her siblings, and stuffing a huge amount of food in her mouth.  She has made poor choices and is in a real funk.  Although this may describe your typical two and a half year old girl what I find difficult and adoption related is that I can discern no cause nor improve the situation with any effort.  It's a normal day, she's been fed and slept well, I've been with her all day, and no strangers or strange environments.  I've tried redirection, verbal corrections, time-ins, time-outs, holding therapy, attempts at connection/humor, I even resorted to a swat on the bum.  But nothing helps and herein lies my struggle this year and half into our adoption journey.   Unlike my biological children, I feel completely inept and inadequate in helping to mold and restore Joni's heart.  Oh, I know what you are going to say...."Oh but Lynne her disposition is so much brighter now, she smiles so much more, she plays so well with her siblings, she talks so much more, she runs around with the other kids and seems so normal, she clearly wants you and so this must indicate trust and love"....yes, these might be true but something about days like today make me think she is just the same broken, fearful, and hurting girl we brought home a year and half ago.  She's just learned how to fake it and how to get more of what she wants.  I really question whether the harm that was done by her abandonment and 14 months of institutionalization can be reversed and I fear our relationship is doomed to a few good weeks and a few bad weeks for the rest of our lives.  I know this is a lack of faith on my part but it's what I'm feeling today.  I know that healing takes time and that progress is often two steps forward, one step back, but today those one steps backward feel overwhelming and foreshadowing a journey I'm not equipped to make.  I'm waiting...waiting for the breakthrough when I know in the deepest places that God has shown up and truly healed our daughter and set her on a path toward life to the fullest.  That's what adoption means to me now.  Staying committed, asking for help (from God and others), staying humble and broken, and waiting with hope that His promises (to me and to Joni) will come true. 

"How gracious He will be when you cry for help.  As soon as He hears, He will answer you."
-Isaiah 30:19

"I will turn your sadness to gladness.  I will give you comfort and joy!
-Jeremiah 31:13

"Call upon Me in the day of trouble.  I will deliver you and you will honor Me."
-Psalm 50:15

"You hear, O Lord, the call of the hurting.  You encourage them.  You listen to their cry."
-Psalm 10:17

"Yes, the Lord is my helper.  I will not be afraid."
-Hebrews 13:6

"God is able to make all grace abound to you."
-2 Cor. 9:8

Even as I write this it occurs to me that Joni might wake up and be her silly, fun, sweet, helpful version and all will be well with the world and once again I will be singing the wonders of adoption.  I am not usually not an emotionally led person but that is me with Joni...so up and down.  I can't even blame today on my cycle.  Sheesh...what is this girl doing to me?
     

Friday, July 6, 2012

Belated Update

So it's been almost 8 months since I updated this blog.  We've been busy and I just plain lost interest for a while.  However, enough people have asked me about it that I thought a new update was needed.  Joni is doing great, growing physically, emotionally, and mentally.  She is absolutely adorable and gets attention wherever we go.  Her speech and occupational therapists think she's come so far and are so encouraged by her progress that we can reduce sessions.  They've taught me so much and are ready to "pass the torch" to me...not sure I have the confidence in myself that they have in me but I'm willing to give it a go.  The good news is we can pick services back up if needed and she qualifies.  On her good days an outsider watching Joni play with her siblings would never even know we didn't get her at birth.  They love each other deeply and annoy each other and act silly together.  It is as I dreamed it would be.  Joni LOVES her daddy, she greets him as he walks in the door and loves to ride around on the golf cart with him at work.  He's pretty smitten too.  So now for the harder side of things.  Joni still has tough days...in fact today at the park she just followed me around, freaked out when I put her on something that spins, REALLY freaked out in the bathroom with the hand dryer and seemed to only be genuinely happy when we were eating our snack (food remains her true love).  Thankfully these days are the exception and not the norm.  As far as our bond goes...it's still in progress.  She has begun initiating kisses and hugs (sparingly, very sparingly) and for me (the ultimate affectionate) that has been huge in being able to receive/feel her love.  She still mostly just tolerates my cuddles and tickles but I can tell they don't distress her the way they used to....hoping one day to move them into the "enjoyable" category.  Things feel normal at home now, not like I am babysitting 24-7.  But the honest truth is even after almost a year and a half I still feel a "lack" in our relationship.  I get angry too quickly at her, though thankfully I am beginning to find some victory in responding the way I want to.  There are moments she feels foreign and I get annoyed at her behavior.  Joni struggles to love me too, I can see it.  She still has some walls up and they get reinforced every time I say "no" to her, get angry or put any boundary on her.  She wants to do and have everything her sister and brother do and have, when I don't allow it the incredible "injustice" cannot be resolved in her mind and I can't seem to help her in that.  There is no "this person is wise, loves me unconditionally, and has my best interests at heart" in Joni's mind, there is only "this person doesn't care about my feelings and is totally unfair so she must not really love me in this moment".  I'm at a loss as to how to combat this.  Joni also still struggles with processing issues.  Getting her to talk was amazing and took a lot of hard work on every one's part.  But nothing comes easy for her and I think her anxiety and fears and people-pleasing nature get her distracted and make it very difficult for her to process and store information and access it later.  She still doesn't even really answer "yes" or "no" accurately and can't tell the difference between a sheep and cow (but has no trouble with all other animals).  It's hard to explain but there is just some "misfiring" that I'm detecting. I'm not sure long term what this will mean for her but the real struggle is can I love and accept her unconditionally so that all challenges are met with patience and compassion?  I really WANT to be there and I've certainly grown but haven't arrived yet.  I'm trying to give myself grace but that is also a struggle for me.  I know what she needs and I know what she deserves.  I wait and pray and beg for my heart to be broken for Joni because I know that I have yet to really weep over her situation in the way I should.  It's weird knowing all this intellectual information but having to wait until it transfers to my heart fully.  I have no control and this isn't easy for me. 

All this to say I am SO grateful for Joni and my famliy.  We are very blessed and I feel this way 99% of the time.  It's so hard to know what of our struggles are adoption related and which ones aren't.  My biggest fear is that my blog would discourage adoption so I want to make it very clear that I believe Joni was meant to be in our family, that had she stayed in the orphanage her capacity to engage in an intimate relationship would have been destroyed, that I, Scott, Oakley and Colston love better because of her.  If someome were to take Joni from us (God included) I would be DEVASTED and would immediately miss her eyes, smile, laugh, walk, fingers, silliness, skin...everything just like if one of my biological children were taken.  I don't regret bringing her home, it is one of the best things I have every done, but also maybe the hardest.  I suspect to many of you that will make a lot of sense.              

Friday, November 25, 2011

Adoption Video

Last year on the day after Thanksgiving we saw our daughter's face for the first time.  Life has never been the same since and we are so thankful.

 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Another corner turned...

Hope continues to grow in my heart the past few weeks.  Joni has definitely changed in a positive way, not drastically but a subtle settling, like the way a new house does.  I can tell she has reached a level of comfort but the signs are only things I as her mom would pick up...she smiles a little more, she's a little less fearful, she's getting out of her toddler bed when she's ready, she's chatting to herself at night, her displays of emotion seem a little more genuine less dramatic, and she even...for the very first time...gave me a hug spontaneously (not much pressure but some!).  It was magical.  I too am feeling some subtle changes, hard to explain except that things feel normal again and my love and connection to Joni has grown stronger.  When Joni demanded so much of my attention I was so ready to have breaks, now when we are apart I miss her a little.  Sometimes at night I have these urges to check on my kids, just to watch them sleeping and take in their scent and let that overwhelming feeling of wonder-love flood into my heart.  I never felt that urge with Joni until now.

We still have a road to travel on our journey.  I think more corners are in our future but I am so grateful for where we are.  I pray one day Joni and I will reach an incredible level of connection that comes easily, naturally.  She deserves that from a mom and we've worked hard for it.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Family Photo Session

A friend of mine, Kathy Young, was so wonderful to do a photo shoot for us the week she was due to have a baby. Here are the best ones. Unfortunately Joni has still not caught on to the whole camera thing and the only good pictures we get of her are when she is truly having fun and we manage to capture it. Otherwise she refuses to smile or look at that camera. That particular day she refused to even let me put her down. But everyone else looks great!







Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Mind the Gap

I know I haven't posted in a while.  I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a broken record and I worry that I'm not able to express things in the way that I want to.  The truth is that Joni is doing really well.  Pretty much every "issue" that she's struggled with has improved significantly.  When something new pops up I get concerned, get discouraged, ask for God's help and see her move in a positive direction.  But to be honest I still have bad days.  Days when she feels strange to me, when I lose my patience, when I don't feel connected, when I let fear overcome me, when I worry about the future, when I notice the difference in how I feel about her versus my bio kids, and when I have trouble enjoying her.  So I have come to the difficult conclusion that the main problem lies with me, in my heart.  Yes, Joni has some real gaps...gaps in her security, gaps in her communication, gaps in her understanding, gaps in her maturity, gaps in her ability to show affection, gaps in her ability to trust but the truth is I do too.  Gaps in the very things that should mark a follower of Christ...love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, GENTLENESS, and self-control.  I know that these things come as a gift from God and so I've been asking, pleading for Him to increase where I am weak.  Joni has humbled me in a very real and powerful way but some days it overwhelms me.  I feel ill equipped, tired, discouraged, and perhaps the worst...I feel God being silent.  I knew that being an adoptive mother would be hard but I also expected the Lord to meet me where I was at.  This is not Biblical, so I'm not defending it, but deep down I realized I expected that since we were making the sacrifice and doing the "good work" of bringing home an orphan when we could have easily procreated biologically, that He would in turn give me a mother's heart for this child right away...or at least soon after bringing her home.  But even today after seven months it is not 100% there on some days.  This produces a lot of guilt in me and I fear Joni can sense this and it is setting her back further.  Additionally the lack makes the daily care taking tasks a lot harder. 

So what do all these gaps mean for us?  Well, they keep me on my knees.  I will get up each day and remain committed to being a mom (albeit an imperfect one) to Joni.  I will lean on my husband and family and friends.  I will blog and advocate for orphans.  I will be grateful and rejoice the progress and good days.  I will continue to trust the person who has bridged a bigger gap then these for me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Introducing Joni

I know our daughter has been home now for six months and that most of you have already met her but with her type of attachment issues she really doesn't show anyone outside of the immediate family who she really is.  When we go out or spend time in other people's homes the Joni you see is very shy, will insist on being in my arms, doesn't usually make a sound, and has an anxious look on her face.  She might tolerate being held by you but won't appear to enjoy it.  However you are usually rewarded with a big smile once she is transferred back into my arms because once she is back in the safety zone she feels comfortable relating to you and wants you to know that.  So I thought I'd describe the little toddler who roams our home, as seen through her mother's eyes. 

Joni wakes up immediately upon hearing the door open.  I swear she is vigilant even in sleep.  She is usually quick to smile once woken up.  Joni LOVES food.  She will eat as much as you give her (I learned this the hard way).  She likes to hold a utensil but pick things up with her fingers.  I'm sure this has to do with first year of life being lived in an orphanage but Joni stuffs her mouth full, chews briefly using her front teeth and swallows large pieces whole.  This causes contention between us because although I've taught her to take only one normal bite and to take time chewing she only does this when I'm watching...the second I look away she's back to her old habits.  She is so food obsessed that she will steal food off of Colston's plate when she has a full plate of food in front of her.  Joni is very ticklish but only sometimes enjoys being tickled.  She is very silly and mimics what her brother and sister does.  She likes to walk around with a blankie over her head as Oakley and Colston run away from the "ghost."  Her other favorite is when we play "monster" and I put her on my shoulders and we chase the other two around the house.  She can even make the "maw, maw, maw" noise that monster makes.  She plays very well by herself and can spend several minutes with one toy.  She's smart, she observes everything and makes connections that astound me sometimes.  Joni loves being held by me.  She can speak (if you ask her to say things she will try repeat them) but prefers communicating in other ways or just waiting until someone notices her need.  She can move like a ninja...I swear I knock her over at least once a day because she sneaks up so close to me without me knowing.  Joni DOES not like swinging motions or spinning motions.  She approaches every new experience with fear and crying...water, sand, grass, sprinkler, swings, etc...but then after some continued exposure starts to let herself enjoy things.  For example she HATED the bath for at least a month, cried the entire time, and now she tries to get in right away with her clothes still on.  She likes to laugh, run and scream with Colston and Oakley.  These days she follows Colston around and plays the part of the pesky sister well.  Of course whatever toy he's playing with is what she wants.  Although quiet and shy, she can be fiesty and screech back, swat or bite her brother if he's too rough or takes something away from her.  She loves getting her round of good night kisses.  She loves her blanket.  She is a good cleaner upper and a good helper when mommy needs her to throw away her diaper or deposit dirty clothes in the hamper.  She doesn't like her siblings to sit in her carseat, stroller, or highchair.  She loves her daddy.  Joni likes to dance, bop side to side, and clap to music.  Shes a little stubborn.  I've already mentioned the food issue but another example is going down stairs.  She likes to face forward and scoot down on her butt...which isn't the safest method.  I've taught her to go backwards but she still insists on doing it her own way.  Joni likes attention but at the same time I think feels anxiety if she doesn't know what you expect of her.  She loves shoes and likes to try on everyone's and scatter them around the house.   

Those are just a few things about my daughter that I've observed but I suspect we may see a lot of flux in the next couple of years as she begins to feel more secure, settled, comfortable and able to better communicate.  I'm looking forward to discovering who this little person is at her core and eventually for her to be free enough to show everyone else.             

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Feeling Like a Family


We just got back from the Adirondacks where my in-laws have a house on the Fulton Lake chain.  The weather was amazing and we went kayakking, swimming, jet skiing, boating, and ate like kings.  We even had a scenic chair lift ride up a mountain and played with hula-hoops.  Oakley had a big week...she took golf lessons and learned to ride a bike without training wheels.  But the best part for me was seeing all three of the kids playing together, being silly, sharing toys, playing in the sand, just like any other family.  Sure, we got a few more stares and even some questions from strangers, but for the most part we were just having fun and building memories.  I wasn't worried about attachment issues or future issues Joni will have to deal with or compensating for all the attention she gets.  I felt for the first time since we adopted Joni, mentally relaxed and at peace.  I'm so grateful for the time and thankful God has allowed Joni's heart to put down some walls and accept the family and new life she's been given.  I can only hope and pray she (and we) continue in this positive direction.    

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Two Wonderful Weeks

Playing "horsey" is getting a little tougher these days.

If I believed in "jinxing" right now I wouldn't be writing this post.  But I don't.  I believe in a God that binds up the broken hearted, heals the sick, turns ashes into beauty, who restores the years the locust have eaten,  and is close to the grieving.  What an awesome God to serve.  I don't know why and I don't know if it will continue but Joni has had two wonderful weeks.  She has been happy, more independent, acting the part of a little sister to Colston, and even began talking!  She can say "dog", "mama", "baby", "dada", "more", "ya", "up", "help" and today...."noodle".  I honestly think something just clicked with her and she has been able to move forward cognitively, relationally and emotionally.  I am prepared for perhaps a time of regression and that Joni's mood might turn but I am still grateful for these past weeks.  Not only have they been a needed respite but they have given me a true vision of what our family can look like.  And gosh, it's beautiful!  I mean, THIS is what I've prayed for and wanted for so many years.  I really hope God is showing me that He is faithful, that He has been listening, that He is powerful and that He wants to bless us beyond our imagination.  I also really hope that if it gets difficult again I still have the courage and endurance to love Joni unconditionally, trust that God loves me, and the perspective that our story (The Prinzing Family Story) has many, many more years to weave a beautiful ending.    

Monday, July 4, 2011

God Bless America, Land that I Love.

We had a wonderful 4th of July that included a parade, park, fishing, friends, and fireworks.  Ever since we got back from a visit to my parent's house Joni has been doing great, praise the Lord!  I have to say that I'm happy to ride the happy/secure/receptive Joni wave as long as I can but I can feel my heart bracing for the switch.  It occurred to me that perhaps it takes a lot of effort for Joni to be...well happy..and a part of a family, and that maybe some days she just doesn't have it in her (like especially when she is sick).  This is a sad thought to me and I hope and pray that one day contentment/security/joy/connection will become her new "MO" and come naturally.  Thanks for sharing in this journey with me friends, I feel God's blessings today and I know you all will stand with me on the days I don't "feel" them as much.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

I love all of my children.

I just want to make it clear that I really love all of my children.  I see each one as a unique blessing that God purposely brought into my life and into the world.  I was meant to be their mom (even in Joni's case I believe God knew from the beginning of time that some other woman was going to birth her but I was going to raise her).  I wouldn't trade any of them for any other kids.  I know I am a better person for being their mom and I hope I can raise them to be men and women who live life to the full and bless everyone they know. 

I especially want to make the point that despite a difficult transition I am so glad Joni is my daughter and that God chose her for our family.  She has a lovely personality and is so sweet and charming.  All of her fears, insecurities, neediness, and walls have to do with her great loss and difficulties she lived through in her first 14 months.  I do wish we could have had Joni since birth, it would have made things so much easier for us and her.  However I also believe these lessons we are learning will be so precious to us and make us better in so many ways.  Most days I have great hope that healing for Joni will come but even if things remain difficult all our lives I trust God's purposes and I believe we will find some peace and know in our hearts that we did all we could for Joni.  At some point we all have to chose who we are going to be and what kind of life we want to live, our past and our parents don't have to define this for us. 


Oakley's last day of Kindergarten...I can't believe I have a 1st grader!  She's so excited to be in Miss Robertson's class next year.

My poor little lady, sick every other week and getting used to taking her medicine.

Don't mess with the Prinzing clan ya'll.

Joni's hair is finally long enough to rock the Pebbles look.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Please keep your seat belt on until the ride comes to a complete stop.

What a roller coaster ride we (Joni and I) have been on.  My last post was full of optimism and hope but if someone were to call me right now and sincerely inquire how I was doing I'd burst into tears.  The last two weeks have been really bad.  My husband's busy season has begun and although he is making great efforts to help out I am really missing his help and just his calming presence.  Joni is sick AGAIN.  I think she's thrown up, had a fever or a bad cough every other week since she's been home.  This does not help with our bonding process and although I know in my head it is completely not her fault (in fact it's probably ours for bringing her here and exposing her system to an entire new set of germs) I find myself feeling resentful for the extra work and how needy/clingy/whiny/fussy she is during these times.  As a mom I want to snuggle and kiss her but she doesn't want that (physically she pushes me away or fusses when I make these attempts).  Her attitude toward Colston (our son, 15 months older then Joni)  is REALLY getting to me as well.  He has been trying so hard to love her and she fusses practically every time he comes near.  She has moments when she is playful with him but it's totally on her terms and depending on her mood.  I'm disappointed because of my expectation that being close in age would make them play pals.  I had visions of them getting into trouble together and giggling together as they trick mommy.  Instead I'm constantly having to worry about giving time and attention to Joni and making up for her rejection to Colston.  He visibly shrugs it off a lot but every once in a while he says, "Joni doesn't like me."  Uggg, it crushes me.  He's such a lovable guy and I can tell he really thinks Joni is so cute and wants to be friends.  I get angry at her.  I know it's totally unreasonable because I don't think Joni is mean by choice...her loss, the orphanage life has wounded her and made it difficult for her to take her walls down and open her heart.  But I can't shake this anger that for four months Colston and I have been really trying to show her love but all she shows love for is food.  It seems to be the worst when it's just the three of us which also presents a challenge because I feel so isolated...no one sees it but me and Colston.  When I try to explain to friends they often make comments like, "my child does that" or "it's only been four months" or "she obviously loves you" or "my kids fight constantly".  I know they are just trying to be helpful and honestly I don't even know how I want them to respond but those responses feel so dismissive like what I am going through is normal (even normal for an adoption) and I should be able to handle it like everyone else is doing.  The truth is I've been involved in adoption for 11 years, a biological parent for 6, and this isn't normal.  Although it many not be normal it does happen with enough frequency that I knew it was a possiblity, I just hoped God would spare us or that within the struggle I'd feel His presence and guidance.  Instead I feel like a complete failure, at a complete loss as to how to make things better and that sometimes my reactions are hurting Joni worse.  I've read the books, done online training, connected to other adoptive parents going through the same thing, prayed over her a night, searched the scriptures and prayed through them for myself...it's not helping.  SO yesterday I took the big step of contacting an attachment therapist.  It is a scary step to take because honestly the words "Radical Attachment Disorder" freak me out and I worry about putting a label on her.  Something is not right though and I am open to the possibility it may be me who needs the therapy.  I feel God pressing in on me to the point of breaking but not quite.  I yearn for the day I can feel peace and lasting hope within this trial.  Please keep praying for us and be patient as my emotional journey laid out here swings around, I didn't anticipate that.  I was hoping for a progressive improvement incline and instead find myself feeling like an Arkanoid ball.
       

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Summer Fun

ummmm...what's this grass doing in my bucket of water?
Happy 35th to the best daddy in the world!