A Bad Day

So today has been one of our classic "bad days" in terms of mine and Joni's relationship.  She has been fussy, distant and unhappy all day.  She has disobeyed in practically every area we've worked on since she's been home including, but not limited to; stealing food from her siblings, using off limits electronics, refusal to take turns with her siblings, and stuffing a huge amount of food in her mouth.  She has made poor choices and is in a real funk.  Although this may describe your typical two and a half year old girl what I find difficult and adoption related is that I can discern no cause nor improve the situation with any effort.  It's a normal day, she's been fed and slept well, I've been with her all day, and no strangers or strange environments.  I've tried redirection, verbal corrections, time-ins, time-outs, holding therapy, attempts at connection/humor, I even resorted to a swat on the bum.  But nothing helps and herein lies my struggle this year and half into our adoption journey.   Unlike my biological children, I feel completely inept and inadequate in helping to mold and restore Joni's heart.  Oh, I know what you are going to say...."Oh but Lynne her disposition is so much brighter now, she smiles so much more, she plays so well with her siblings, she talks so much more, she runs around with the other kids and seems so normal, she clearly wants you and so this must indicate trust and love"....yes, these might be true but something about days like today make me think she is just the same broken, fearful, and hurting girl we brought home a year and half ago.  She's just learned how to fake it and how to get more of what she wants.  I really question whether the harm that was done by her abandonment and 14 months of institutionalization can be reversed and I fear our relationship is doomed to a few good weeks and a few bad weeks for the rest of our lives.  I know this is a lack of faith on my part but it's what I'm feeling today.  I know that healing takes time and that progress is often two steps forward, one step back, but today those one steps backward feel overwhelming and foreshadowing a journey I'm not equipped to make.  I'm waiting...waiting for the breakthrough when I know in the deepest places that God has shown up and truly healed our daughter and set her on a path toward life to the fullest.  That's what adoption means to me now.  Staying committed, asking for help (from God and others), staying humble and broken, and waiting with hope that His promises (to me and to Joni) will come true. 

"How gracious He will be when you cry for help.  As soon as He hears, He will answer you."
-Isaiah 30:19

"I will turn your sadness to gladness.  I will give you comfort and joy!
-Jeremiah 31:13

"Call upon Me in the day of trouble.  I will deliver you and you will honor Me."
-Psalm 50:15

"You hear, O Lord, the call of the hurting.  You encourage them.  You listen to their cry."
-Psalm 10:17

"Yes, the Lord is my helper.  I will not be afraid."
-Hebrews 13:6

"God is able to make all grace abound to you."
-2 Cor. 9:8

Even as I write this it occurs to me that Joni might wake up and be her silly, fun, sweet, helpful version and all will be well with the world and once again I will be singing the wonders of adoption.  I am not usually not an emotionally led person but that is me with Joni...so up and down.  I can't even blame today on my cycle.  Sheesh...what is this girl doing to me?
     

Belated Update

So it's been almost 8 months since I updated this blog.  We've been busy and I just plain lost interest for a while.  However, enough people have asked me about it that I thought a new update was needed.  Joni is doing great, growing physically, emotionally, and mentally.  She is absolutely adorable and gets attention wherever we go.  Her speech and occupational therapists think she's come so far and are so encouraged by her progress that we can reduce sessions.  They've taught me so much and are ready to "pass the torch" to me...not sure I have the confidence in myself that they have in me but I'm willing to give it a go.  The good news is we can pick services back up if needed and she qualifies.  On her good days an outsider watching Joni play with her siblings would never even know we didn't get her at birth.  They love each other deeply and annoy each other and act silly together.  It is as I dreamed it would be.  Joni LOVES her daddy, she greets him as he walks in the door and loves to ride around on the golf cart with him at work.  He's pretty smitten too.  So now for the harder side of things.  Joni still has tough days...in fact today at the park she just followed me around, freaked out when I put her on something that spins, REALLY freaked out in the bathroom with the hand dryer and seemed to only be genuinely happy when we were eating our snack (food remains her true love).  Thankfully these days are the exception and not the norm.  As far as our bond goes...it's still in progress.  She has begun initiating kisses and hugs (sparingly, very sparingly) and for me (the ultimate affectionate) that has been huge in being able to receive/feel her love.  She still mostly just tolerates my cuddles and tickles but I can tell they don't distress her the way they used to....hoping one day to move them into the "enjoyable" category.  Things feel normal at home now, not like I am babysitting 24-7.  But the honest truth is even after almost a year and a half I still feel a "lack" in our relationship.  I get angry too quickly at her, though thankfully I am beginning to find some victory in responding the way I want to.  There are moments she feels foreign and I get annoyed at her behavior.  Joni struggles to love me too, I can see it.  She still has some walls up and they get reinforced every time I say "no" to her, get angry or put any boundary on her.  She wants to do and have everything her sister and brother do and have, when I don't allow it the incredible "injustice" cannot be resolved in her mind and I can't seem to help her in that.  There is no "this person is wise, loves me unconditionally, and has my best interests at heart" in Joni's mind, there is only "this person doesn't care about my feelings and is totally unfair so she must not really love me in this moment".  I'm at a loss as to how to combat this.  Joni also still struggles with processing issues.  Getting her to talk was amazing and took a lot of hard work on every one's part.  But nothing comes easy for her and I think her anxiety and fears and people-pleasing nature get her distracted and make it very difficult for her to process and store information and access it later.  She still doesn't even really answer "yes" or "no" accurately and can't tell the difference between a sheep and cow (but has no trouble with all other animals).  It's hard to explain but there is just some "misfiring" that I'm detecting. I'm not sure long term what this will mean for her but the real struggle is can I love and accept her unconditionally so that all challenges are met with patience and compassion?  I really WANT to be there and I've certainly grown but haven't arrived yet.  I'm trying to give myself grace but that is also a struggle for me.  I know what she needs and I know what she deserves.  I wait and pray and beg for my heart to be broken for Joni because I know that I have yet to really weep over her situation in the way I should.  It's weird knowing all this intellectual information but having to wait until it transfers to my heart fully.  I have no control and this isn't easy for me. 

All this to say I am SO grateful for Joni and my famliy.  We are very blessed and I feel this way 99% of the time.  It's so hard to know what of our struggles are adoption related and which ones aren't.  My biggest fear is that my blog would discourage adoption so I want to make it very clear that I believe Joni was meant to be in our family, that had she stayed in the orphanage her capacity to engage in an intimate relationship would have been destroyed, that I, Scott, Oakley and Colston love better because of her.  If someome were to take Joni from us (God included) I would be DEVASTED and would immediately miss her eyes, smile, laugh, walk, fingers, silliness, skin...everything just like if one of my biological children were taken.  I don't regret bringing her home, it is one of the best things I have every done, but also maybe the hardest.  I suspect to many of you that will make a lot of sense.              

Adoption Video

Last year on the day after Thanksgiving we saw our daughter's face for the first time.  Life has never been the same since and we are so thankful.

 

Another corner turned...

Hope continues to grow in my heart the past few weeks.  Joni has definitely changed in a positive way, not drastically but a subtle settling, like the way a new house does.  I can tell she has reached a level of comfort but the signs are only things I as her mom would pick up...she smiles a little more, she's a little less fearful, she's getting out of her toddler bed when she's ready, she's chatting to herself at night, her displays of emotion seem a little more genuine less dramatic, and she even...for the very first time...gave me a hug spontaneously (not much pressure but some!).  It was magical.  I too am feeling some subtle changes, hard to explain except that things feel normal again and my love and connection to Joni has grown stronger.  When Joni demanded so much of my attention I was so ready to have breaks, now when we are apart I miss her a little.  Sometimes at night I have these urges to check on my kids, just to watch them sleeping and take in their scent and let that overwhelming feeling of wonder-love flood into my heart.  I never felt that urge with Joni until now.

We still have a road to travel on our journey.  I think more corners are in our future but I am so grateful for where we are.  I pray one day Joni and I will reach an incredible level of connection that comes easily, naturally.  She deserves that from a mom and we've worked hard for it.

Family Photo Session

A friend of mine, Kathy Young, was so wonderful to do a photo shoot for us the week she was due to have a baby. Here are the best ones. Unfortunately Joni has still not caught on to the whole camera thing and the only good pictures we get of her are when she is truly having fun and we manage to capture it. Otherwise she refuses to smile or look at that camera. That particular day she refused to even let me put her down. But everyone else looks great!

Mind the Gap

I know I haven't posted in a while.  I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a broken record and I worry that I'm not able to express things in the way that I want to.  The truth is that Joni is doing really well.  Pretty much every "issue" that she's struggled with has improved significantly.  When something new pops up I get concerned, get discouraged, ask for God's help and see her move in a positive direction.  But to be honest I still have bad days.  Days when she feels strange to me, when I lose my patience, when I don't feel connected, when I let fear overcome me, when I worry about the future, when I notice the difference in how I feel about her versus my bio kids, and when I have trouble enjoying her.  So I have come to the difficult conclusion that the main problem lies with me, in my heart.  Yes, Joni has some real gaps...gaps in her security, gaps in her communication, gaps in her understanding, gaps in her maturity, gaps in her ability to show affection, gaps in her ability to trust but the truth is I do too.  Gaps in the very things that should mark a follower of Christ...love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, GENTLENESS, and self-control.  I know that these things come as a gift from God and so I've been asking, pleading for Him to increase where I am weak.  Joni has humbled me in a very real and powerful way but some days it overwhelms me.  I feel ill equipped, tired, discouraged, and perhaps the worst...I feel God being silent.  I knew that being an adoptive mother would be hard but I also expected the Lord to meet me where I was at.  This is not Biblical, so I'm not defending it, but deep down I realized I expected that since we were making the sacrifice and doing the "good work" of bringing home an orphan when we could have easily procreated biologically, that He would in turn give me a mother's heart for this child right away...or at least soon after bringing her home.  But even today after seven months it is not 100% there on some days.  This produces a lot of guilt in me and I fear Joni can sense this and it is setting her back further.  Additionally the lack makes the daily care taking tasks a lot harder. 

So what do all these gaps mean for us?  Well, they keep me on my knees.  I will get up each day and remain committed to being a mom (albeit an imperfect one) to Joni.  I will lean on my husband and family and friends.  I will blog and advocate for orphans.  I will be grateful and rejoice the progress and good days.  I will continue to trust the person who has bridged a bigger gap then these for me.

Random Pictures of My Cuties