Family Photo Session

A friend of mine, Kathy Young, was so wonderful to do a photo shoot for us the week she was due to have a baby. Here are the best ones. Unfortunately Joni has still not caught on to the whole camera thing and the only good pictures we get of her are when she is truly having fun and we manage to capture it. Otherwise she refuses to smile or look at that camera. That particular day she refused to even let me put her down. But everyone else looks great!

Mind the Gap

I know I haven't posted in a while.  I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a broken record and I worry that I'm not able to express things in the way that I want to.  The truth is that Joni is doing really well.  Pretty much every "issue" that she's struggled with has improved significantly.  When something new pops up I get concerned, get discouraged, ask for God's help and see her move in a positive direction.  But to be honest I still have bad days.  Days when she feels strange to me, when I lose my patience, when I don't feel connected, when I let fear overcome me, when I worry about the future, when I notice the difference in how I feel about her versus my bio kids, and when I have trouble enjoying her.  So I have come to the difficult conclusion that the main problem lies with me, in my heart.  Yes, Joni has some real gaps...gaps in her security, gaps in her communication, gaps in her understanding, gaps in her maturity, gaps in her ability to show affection, gaps in her ability to trust but the truth is I do too.  Gaps in the very things that should mark a follower of Christ...love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, GENTLENESS, and self-control.  I know that these things come as a gift from God and so I've been asking, pleading for Him to increase where I am weak.  Joni has humbled me in a very real and powerful way but some days it overwhelms me.  I feel ill equipped, tired, discouraged, and perhaps the worst...I feel God being silent.  I knew that being an adoptive mother would be hard but I also expected the Lord to meet me where I was at.  This is not Biblical, so I'm not defending it, but deep down I realized I expected that since we were making the sacrifice and doing the "good work" of bringing home an orphan when we could have easily procreated biologically, that He would in turn give me a mother's heart for this child right away...or at least soon after bringing her home.  But even today after seven months it is not 100% there on some days.  This produces a lot of guilt in me and I fear Joni can sense this and it is setting her back further.  Additionally the lack makes the daily care taking tasks a lot harder. 

So what do all these gaps mean for us?  Well, they keep me on my knees.  I will get up each day and remain committed to being a mom (albeit an imperfect one) to Joni.  I will lean on my husband and family and friends.  I will blog and advocate for orphans.  I will be grateful and rejoice the progress and good days.  I will continue to trust the person who has bridged a bigger gap then these for me.

Random Pictures of My Cuties

Introducing Joni

I know our daughter has been home now for six months and that most of you have already met her but with her type of attachment issues she really doesn't show anyone outside of the immediate family who she really is.  When we go out or spend time in other people's homes the Joni you see is very shy, will insist on being in my arms, doesn't usually make a sound, and has an anxious look on her face.  She might tolerate being held by you but won't appear to enjoy it.  However you are usually rewarded with a big smile once she is transferred back into my arms because once she is back in the safety zone she feels comfortable relating to you and wants you to know that.  So I thought I'd describe the little toddler who roams our home, as seen through her mother's eyes. 

Joni wakes up immediately upon hearing the door open.  I swear she is vigilant even in sleep.  She is usually quick to smile once woken up.  Joni LOVES food.  She will eat as much as you give her (I learned this the hard way).  She likes to hold a utensil but pick things up with her fingers.  I'm sure this has to do with first year of life being lived in an orphanage but Joni stuffs her mouth full, chews briefly using her front teeth and swallows large pieces whole.  This causes contention between us because although I've taught her to take only one normal bite and to take time chewing she only does this when I'm watching...the second I look away she's back to her old habits.  She is so food obsessed that she will steal food off of Colston's plate when she has a full plate of food in front of her.  Joni is very ticklish but only sometimes enjoys being tickled.  She is very silly and mimics what her brother and sister does.  She likes to walk around with a blankie over her head as Oakley and Colston run away from the "ghost."  Her other favorite is when we play "monster" and I put her on my shoulders and we chase the other two around the house.  She can even make the "maw, maw, maw" noise that monster makes.  She plays very well by herself and can spend several minutes with one toy.  She's smart, she observes everything and makes connections that astound me sometimes.  Joni loves being held by me.  She can speak (if you ask her to say things she will try repeat them) but prefers communicating in other ways or just waiting until someone notices her need.  She can move like a ninja...I swear I knock her over at least once a day because she sneaks up so close to me without me knowing.  Joni DOES not like swinging motions or spinning motions.  She approaches every new experience with fear and crying...water, sand, grass, sprinkler, swings, etc...but then after some continued exposure starts to let herself enjoy things.  For example she HATED the bath for at least a month, cried the entire time, and now she tries to get in right away with her clothes still on.  She likes to laugh, run and scream with Colston and Oakley.  These days she follows Colston around and plays the part of the pesky sister well.  Of course whatever toy he's playing with is what she wants.  Although quiet and shy, she can be fiesty and screech back, swat or bite her brother if he's too rough or takes something away from her.  She loves getting her round of good night kisses.  She loves her blanket.  She is a good cleaner upper and a good helper when mommy needs her to throw away her diaper or deposit dirty clothes in the hamper.  She doesn't like her siblings to sit in her carseat, stroller, or highchair.  She loves her daddy.  Joni likes to dance, bop side to side, and clap to music.  Shes a little stubborn.  I've already mentioned the food issue but another example is going down stairs.  She likes to face forward and scoot down on her butt...which isn't the safest method.  I've taught her to go backwards but she still insists on doing it her own way.  Joni likes attention but at the same time I think feels anxiety if she doesn't know what you expect of her.  She loves shoes and likes to try on everyone's and scatter them around the house.   

Those are just a few things about my daughter that I've observed but I suspect we may see a lot of flux in the next couple of years as she begins to feel more secure, settled, comfortable and able to better communicate.  I'm looking forward to discovering who this little person is at her core and eventually for her to be free enough to show everyone else.             

Feeling Like a Family

We just got back from the Adirondacks where my in-laws have a house on the Fulton Lake chain.  The weather was amazing and we went kayakking, swimming, jet skiing, boating, and ate like kings.  We even had a scenic chair lift ride up a mountain and played with hula-hoops.  Oakley had a big week...she took golf lessons and learned to ride a bike without training wheels.  But the best part for me was seeing all three of the kids playing together, being silly, sharing toys, playing in the sand, just like any other family.  Sure, we got a few more stares and even some questions from strangers, but for the most part we were just having fun and building memories.  I wasn't worried about attachment issues or future issues Joni will have to deal with or compensating for all the attention she gets.  I felt for the first time since we adopted Joni, mentally relaxed and at peace.  I'm so grateful for the time and thankful God has allowed Joni's heart to put down some walls and accept the family and new life she's been given.  I can only hope and pray she (and we) continue in this positive direction.    

Two Wonderful Weeks

Playing "horsey" is getting a little tougher these days.

If I believed in "jinxing" right now I wouldn't be writing this post.  But I don't.  I believe in a God that binds up the broken hearted, heals the sick, turns ashes into beauty, who restores the years the locust have eaten,  and is close to the grieving.  What an awesome God to serve.  I don't know why and I don't know if it will continue but Joni has had two wonderful weeks.  She has been happy, more independent, acting the part of a little sister to Colston, and even began talking!  She can say "dog", "mama", "baby", "dada", "more", "ya", "up", "help" and today...."noodle".  I honestly think something just clicked with her and she has been able to move forward cognitively, relationally and emotionally.  I am prepared for perhaps a time of regression and that Joni's mood might turn but I am still grateful for these past weeks.  Not only have they been a needed respite but they have given me a true vision of what our family can look like.  And gosh, it's beautiful!  I mean, THIS is what I've prayed for and wanted for so many years.  I really hope God is showing me that He is faithful, that He has been listening, that He is powerful and that He wants to bless us beyond our imagination.  I also really hope that if it gets difficult again I still have the courage and endurance to love Joni unconditionally, trust that God loves me, and the perspective that our story (The Prinzing Family Story) has many, many more years to weave a beautiful ending.    

God Bless America, Land that I Love.

We had a wonderful 4th of July that included a parade, park, fishing, friends, and fireworks.  Ever since we got back from a visit to my parent's house Joni has been doing great, praise the Lord!  I have to say that I'm happy to ride the happy/secure/receptive Joni wave as long as I can but I can feel my heart bracing for the switch.  It occurred to me that perhaps it takes a lot of effort for Joni to be...well happy..and a part of a family, and that maybe some days she just doesn't have it in her (like especially when she is sick).  This is a sad thought to me and I hope and pray that one day contentment/security/joy/connection will become her new "MO" and come naturally.  Thanks for sharing in this journey with me friends, I feel God's blessings today and I know you all will stand with me on the days I don't "feel" them as much.