When we first began this adoption I was so excited and optimistic. I couldn't wait to bring home a cute little baby girl and watch how the adoption impacted myself, my husband, our family, friends, church, and community. I knew the journey to her would have it's hard moments (after all I AM an adoption professional) but I felt equipped and hopeful that whatever we would face would be overcome with prayer, effort, communication and faith. Then the wait went from 14 months to 20, to 30, to 40 to now 55! I honestly never thought it would get that high and it is still growing. I was perfectly content until about the 40 month mark. Then some discouragement started to set in and fear that this might never happen. Still we pressed on believing that it was all in God's hands. Now that Colston was older we realized that, "hey, we could handle a child with a minor correctable special medical need so why not take a look at some?" Perhaps this was the way we were meant to find our daughter as it was something I had considered from the very beginning. But it has been VERY difficult. Much harder then I could have ever imagined. How do you chose which special needs you can handle? How do you know what you are looking at with each child when the medical information is meager and wrought with translation errors? How do you say "No" to a child whose very life feels like it's in your hands? How do you move on and open your heart up again when the haunting face of an orphan left behind still lingers? I began to get discouraged. This might just be too painful...but I still feel that pull, that conviction that yes, this is what we are supposed to do. I wrestled with God and finally concluded that if this is what it takes to find these children homes then I want to be willing to go through it.
This past weekend we were in Syracuse visiting Scott's parents. They had informed us of a Stephen Curtis Chapman concert going on Friday night in the area. We had already booked them for babysitting since is was our anniversary and we decided to go. I'm not a big fan of his music style but I'm a BIG fan of him. I knew that adoption would be highlighted and that there would be a strong presence of the adoption community there. We didn't have tickets and it was too late to purchase online. We took the chance that there would be some left at the door. On the way there I was praying in my heart that we would get in and that God would show up. I just really wanted my daddy to reach out to me and encourage me to let me know that He was still in this and would carry us through this hard time. As I was paying for my tickets the lady said $37 each please...which was a $9 increase from what the article had listed. Sigh. Not a big deal but I was already wondering if we should be shelling out so much for an unnecessary concert when we were saving money to complete an adoption. I handed her a $100 bill and just then a man came up and said he has two tickets to donate. The ticket lady looks at him, takes the tickets and gives them to me. I was so overcome with gratitude I started tearing up. I'm not sure if I even thanked the man properly, I just mumbled something about how appreciative I was since we were saving money for an upcoming adoption. I'm not typically very emotional (though more so this last year for sure) but I was weepy all night. I had asked God to show up and He did! Sure you could say it wasn't God, just a generous man but it really didn't feel that way to me. It felt like God saying, "Lynne, I see you. I know the storm in your heart. I care and you can trust me."
So that's where I am. In a place of trusting God and it feels right and safe. I don't know how long this journey will last but I know my father is with me. For me that's enough.
By the way, the concert was great. They are truly an inspiring, authentic and talented family. Their sons are now in a band called "Caleb" which is more reflective of my style of music. Their orphan care foundation "Show Hope" is doing some pretty amazing things so check out their site when you get a chance. We will always be indebted to them for their assistance in our adoption.
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