Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Do I feel the same about Joni as I did my bio babies?
I've been putting off this post long enough. I will try to be authentic and clear but I have a feeling that only those who have both bio and adopted children will truly be able to understand my sentiments. So if you don't fall into this category please extend me some grace.
The honest first part of my answer is no. From the moment I saw Joni's picture I prayed that she would be the one for us. When they placed her in my arms I thought she was the bravest, cutest, loveliest, most fascinating creature I had ever laid eyes on (sorry Oakley and Colston but it's true). My heart swelled with compassion, curiosity, tenderness, and protectiveness. Those days spent in China were amazing as we watched a petrified, catatonic little baby slowly open up and begin to accept our love and care...then we got home.
The truth was, she was a stranger to us and we were strangers to her. She had strange orphanage behaviors and deep emotional needs. This was different from my biological babies who from the moment they came out felt familiar and seemed to automatically know who we were. We didn't have to work on bonding, it came naturally and was already there to some degree. They were blank slates ready and willing to trust us to care for all their needs. There IS something to the biological connection. I believe it was created by God and meant to assist us through the sleepless nights and projectile vomiting. Even at my worst newborn moments my heart had an inexhaustible reservoir of love and compassion for my babies. I didn't have this automatically with Joni and so the tough moments were difficult. The fun, happy times were incredible, beyond my dreams (I can't get or give enough kisses from that child)...but if she was excessively fussy or clingly or mean to my other children, I really struggled in my feelings towards her. This deficit often made me feel guilty because even if I still acted appropriately loving toward her (and I have to confess that sometimes I didn't, thankfully most times I did) I knew my heart wasn't matching that action. I mean what kind of monster was I? I knew to expect these behaviors and actually in my "professional" opinion Joni was doing at least average in her transition period. But this wasn't something I could just grit my teeth and change or read books about and fix. So I prayed that God would give me a true mother's heart for Joni so that I could love her just as much as her biological mother would have if she had kept her...even more.
So before you call CPS let me give you the second part of my answer, "No, not yet but each day my mother's love grows more and more." God is in the process of answering my prayers and this journey of bonding continues in a positive direction. It's been under three months since we've had Joni and I'm relieved and grateful that what didn't come "naturally" is coming "supernaturally". I can see that shortly, even when things are tough, Joni will stir up the same feelings and emotions that my other two children do, in fact most days she does. The moments I find myself struggling I now handle better with more hope and less judgement.
I can't express how happy I am to be celebrating this mother's day feeling like Joni's true mother, not just in deed but in the deepest places of my heart.
The honest first part of my answer is no. From the moment I saw Joni's picture I prayed that she would be the one for us. When they placed her in my arms I thought she was the bravest, cutest, loveliest, most fascinating creature I had ever laid eyes on (sorry Oakley and Colston but it's true). My heart swelled with compassion, curiosity, tenderness, and protectiveness. Those days spent in China were amazing as we watched a petrified, catatonic little baby slowly open up and begin to accept our love and care...then we got home.
The truth was, she was a stranger to us and we were strangers to her. She had strange orphanage behaviors and deep emotional needs. This was different from my biological babies who from the moment they came out felt familiar and seemed to automatically know who we were. We didn't have to work on bonding, it came naturally and was already there to some degree. They were blank slates ready and willing to trust us to care for all their needs. There IS something to the biological connection. I believe it was created by God and meant to assist us through the sleepless nights and projectile vomiting. Even at my worst newborn moments my heart had an inexhaustible reservoir of love and compassion for my babies. I didn't have this automatically with Joni and so the tough moments were difficult. The fun, happy times were incredible, beyond my dreams (I can't get or give enough kisses from that child)...but if she was excessively fussy or clingly or mean to my other children, I really struggled in my feelings towards her. This deficit often made me feel guilty because even if I still acted appropriately loving toward her (and I have to confess that sometimes I didn't, thankfully most times I did) I knew my heart wasn't matching that action. I mean what kind of monster was I? I knew to expect these behaviors and actually in my "professional" opinion Joni was doing at least average in her transition period. But this wasn't something I could just grit my teeth and change or read books about and fix. So I prayed that God would give me a true mother's heart for Joni so that I could love her just as much as her biological mother would have if she had kept her...even more.
So before you call CPS let me give you the second part of my answer, "No, not yet but each day my mother's love grows more and more." God is in the process of answering my prayers and this journey of bonding continues in a positive direction. It's been under three months since we've had Joni and I'm relieved and grateful that what didn't come "naturally" is coming "supernaturally". I can see that shortly, even when things are tough, Joni will stir up the same feelings and emotions that my other two children do, in fact most days she does. The moments I find myself struggling I now handle better with more hope and less judgement.
I can't express how happy I am to be celebrating this mother's day feeling like Joni's true mother, not just in deed but in the deepest places of my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.JPG)