Mother's Day Photos

Do I feel the same about Joni as I did my bio babies?

I've been putting off this post long enough.  I will try to be authentic and clear but I have a feeling that only those who have both bio and adopted children will truly be able to understand my sentiments.  So if you don't fall into this category please extend me some grace.

The honest first part of my answer is no.  From the moment I saw Joni's picture I prayed that she would be the one for us.  When they placed her in my arms I thought she was the bravest, cutest, loveliest, most fascinating creature I had ever laid eyes on (sorry Oakley and Colston but it's true).  My heart swelled with compassion, curiosity, tenderness, and protectiveness.  Those days spent in China were amazing as we watched a petrified, catatonic little baby slowly open up and begin to accept our love and care...then we got home. 

The truth was, she was a stranger to us and we were strangers to her.  She had strange orphanage behaviors and deep emotional needs.  This was different from my biological babies who from the moment they came out felt familiar and seemed to automatically know who we were.  We didn't have to work on bonding, it came naturally and was already there to some degree.  They were blank slates ready and willing to trust us to care for all their needs.  There IS something to the biological connection.  I believe it was created by God and meant to assist us through the sleepless nights and projectile vomiting.  Even at my worst newborn moments my heart had an inexhaustible reservoir of love and compassion for my babies.  I didn't have this automatically with Joni and so the tough moments were difficult.  The fun, happy times were incredible, beyond my dreams (I can't get or give enough kisses from that child)...but if she was excessively fussy or clingly or mean to my other children, I really struggled in my feelings towards her.  This deficit often made me feel guilty because even if I still acted appropriately loving toward her (and I have to confess that sometimes I didn't, thankfully most times I did) I knew my heart wasn't matching that action.  I mean what kind of monster was I?  I knew to expect these behaviors and actually in my "professional" opinion Joni was doing at least average in her transition period.  But this wasn't something I could just grit my teeth and change or read books about and fix.  So I prayed that God would give me a true mother's heart for Joni so that I could love her just as much as her biological mother would have if she had kept her...even more.

So before you call CPS let me give you the second part of my answer, "No, not yet but each day my mother's love grows more and more."  God is in the process of answering my prayers and this journey of bonding continues in a positive direction.  It's been under three months since we've had Joni and I'm relieved and grateful that what didn't come "naturally" is coming "supernaturally".  I can see that shortly, even when things are tough, Joni will stir up the same feelings and emotions that my other two children do, in fact most days she does.  The moments I find myself struggling I now handle better with more hope and less judgement. 

I can't express how happy I am to be celebrating this mother's day feeling like Joni's true mother, not just in deed but in the deepest places of my heart.

Somebody likes Easter candy....

Good times on vacation

Joni's WALKING!

We are so proud and amazed that our little girl is on the move.  Considering the challenges she faces we are so pleased she's up and about at 15 months.

New Photos!

Joni does actually smile and laugh a lot throughout the day but when the camera comes out she gets confused.  The only way to capture her smile is to catch her having fun without her noticing...that's impossible for me as she monitors my every move but I will solicit Scott's help for the next photo shoot.  Our beautiful Oakley celebrated her sixth birthday on the 19th of this month.  We are so grateful for her spirit and mind.  She has been the greatest big sister to both Colston and Joni.

"How are you all doing?"

I get this question a lot these days and I know what people want to know is how is Joni and the adjustment going.  I apologize to my faithful blog followers for my long absence.  It is difficult to answer this question and I want to accurately portray things.  I finally feel able to do that so here goes...We are doing well.  Joni is awesome, easy going, has a lovely personality, eats well (basically anything and everything she can get her hands on), sleeps well (14hr./day) and can now blow kisses, wave bye, and sign "more" (but I think she thinks it's the sign for "food").  Oakley and Colston adore her and she has finally let them into her world.  She still is wary of Colston and I suspect there was an aggressive child in her orphanage that makes her fear his gentle touches and attempts to snuggle.  Although she still prefers me she is also at the point with Scott that she smiles when he comes home, reaches out for a pick-up, will allow him to do all the care taking stuff, and I can actually leave her in his care.  Everyone here has been charmed by Joni and they've gotten a chance to see how far she's come and blossomed into this fun little girl.  They wait patiently for the time she is less shy and more willing to engage but I know it will come soon.  The doctor gave her a clean bill of health except for possible anemia (most likely due to her orphanage diet) and itchy skin (either eczema or an allergy).  We also saw a specialist to deal with her limb difference and he also gave a good report, the most difficult thing we will have to deal with is finding her shoes that fit!  We don't have to see him again until November.  Her official "certificate of citizenship" came in this week, very exciting! 

So the hard part is that she is still pretty clingy and fearful and fussy at strange moments and still hasn't said a word yet (she babbles a lot though).  Are all these things stuff I expected six weeks from "gotcha" day...yes.  Does that make it easier to handle when you have two other children with needs and a husband and house to care for...no.  I've just accepted that things are going to be hard right now.  My day to day tasks aren't impossible but I find my attitude and moods swing around a bit.  So I'm trying to lean on God each day, take some "me" time, and do a lot of repentance and confession. I am weak but that's okay because He is strong.

So that's basically how we are doing.  Next post..."Do you love her the same as your biological children?"