I know I haven't posted in a while. I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a broken record and I worry that I'm not able to express things in the way that I want to. The truth is that Joni is doing really well. Pretty much every "issue" that she's struggled with has improved significantly. When something new pops up I get concerned, get discouraged, ask for God's help and see her move in a positive direction. But to be honest I still have bad days. Days when she feels strange to me, when I lose my patience, when I don't feel connected, when I let fear overcome me, when I worry about the future, when I notice the difference in how I feel about her versus my bio kids, and when I have trouble enjoying her. So I have come to the difficult conclusion that the main problem lies with me, in my heart. Yes, Joni has some real gaps...gaps in her security, gaps in her communication, gaps in her understanding, gaps in her maturity, gaps in her ability to show affection, gaps in her ability to trust but the truth is I do too. Gaps in the very things that should mark a follower of Christ...love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, GENTLENESS, and self-control. I know that these things come as a gift from God and so I've been asking, pleading for Him to increase where I am weak. Joni has humbled me in a very real and powerful way but some days it overwhelms me. I feel ill equipped, tired, discouraged, and perhaps the worst...I feel God being silent. I knew that being an adoptive mother would be hard but I also expected the Lord to meet me where I was at. This is not Biblical, so I'm not defending it, but deep down I realized I expected that since we were making the sacrifice and doing the "good work" of bringing home an orphan when we could have easily procreated biologically, that He would in turn give me a mother's heart for this child right away...or at least soon after bringing her home. But even today after seven months it is not 100% there on some days. This produces a lot of guilt in me and I fear Joni can sense this and it is setting her back further. Additionally the lack makes the daily care taking tasks a lot harder.
So what do all these gaps mean for us? Well, they keep me on my knees. I will get up each day and remain committed to being a mom (albeit an imperfect one) to Joni. I will lean on my husband and family and friends. I will blog and advocate for orphans. I will be grateful and rejoice the progress and good days. I will continue to trust the person who has bridged a bigger gap then these for me.
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