I know I haven't posted in a while. I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a broken record and I worry that I'm not able to express things in the way that I want to. The truth is that Joni is doing really well. Pretty much every "issue" that she's struggled with has improved significantly. When something new pops up I get concerned, get discouraged, ask for God's help and see her move in a positive direction. But to be honest I still have bad days. Days when she feels strange to me, when I lose my patience, when I don't feel connected, when I let fear overcome me, when I worry about the future, when I notice the difference in how I feel about her versus my bio kids, and when I have trouble enjoying her. So I have come to the difficult conclusion that the main problem lies with me, in my heart. Yes, Joni has some real gaps...gaps in her security, gaps in her communication, gaps in her understanding, gaps in her maturity, gaps in her ability to show affection, gaps in her ability to trust but the truth is I do too. Gaps in the very things that should mark a follower of Christ...love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, GENTLENESS, and self-control. I know that these things come as a gift from God and so I've been asking, pleading for Him to increase where I am weak. Joni has humbled me in a very real and powerful way but some days it overwhelms me. I feel ill equipped, tired, discouraged, and perhaps the worst...I feel God being silent. I knew that being an adoptive mother would be hard but I also expected the Lord to meet me where I was at. This is not Biblical, so I'm not defending it, but deep down I realized I expected that since we were making the sacrifice and doing the "good work" of bringing home an orphan when we could have easily procreated biologically, that He would in turn give me a mother's heart for this child right away...or at least soon after bringing her home. But even today after seven months it is not 100% there on some days. This produces a lot of guilt in me and I fear Joni can sense this and it is setting her back further. Additionally the lack makes the daily care taking tasks a lot harder.
So what do all these gaps mean for us? Well, they keep me on my knees. I will get up each day and remain committed to being a mom (albeit an imperfect one) to Joni. I will lean on my husband and family and friends. I will blog and advocate for orphans. I will be grateful and rejoice the progress and good days. I will continue to trust the person who has bridged a bigger gap then these for me.
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Hugs to you, Lynne. I'm on my knees with you. Best place to be, I figure. :o)
ReplyDeleteThanks for being honest - Praying for you and your family, Carol
ReplyDeleteSo, I am a fellow friend on RQ! We just returned with our our 2nd little girl from China a month ago. I saw where you had posted this video and wanted to watch it and then read this post! I was in amazement at what you were saying because I thought I was horrible!!! I thought I was the ONLY one who felt like that with our 1st adoption in 2007!! My daugher was 9 months old the day we held her for the first time. She was PERFECT (NSN) in every way and I adored her. We have 3 boys and we are a pastors family so having our girl was SOOOO amazing for me! We, too, felt like although we were wanting a little girl VERY bad, we were "rescuing" a child...doing what we felt HE wanted us to do to expand our family!! My tubes were tied after our 3rd son 14 yrs earlier, so unlike you, adoption was really our only option! I just knew I would get our Olivia and MY life would be complete! I can't say that China wasn't the most spectacular time for us, because it was. We LOVED Olivia. She never cried, she kissed her daddy on Gotcha Day and wanted us to hold her for the 1st 5 days ALL DAY (exhausting but we loved it) She was beautiful, bald and OUR little GIRL!!! But...my "attachement" to her wasn't what I thought it would be. It was FUN and as I told my husband, "I know she's OURS and if someone tried to take her from me, I would hurt them!!! But I just don't have that "attachement!" It's almost like I'm babysitting!!!" And that's how I felt for about 9 months! I still took care of her, loved her, had fun with her, fed her the bottle and played dress-up..all the while enjoying her, but not feeling the way I thought I SHOULD!! Then, Mother's Day! I went to check on her and saw her laying in that bed so peacefully and all the sudden I thought about her momma. Her momma that gave her up, for whatever reason, the probably cried as she gave birth and saw she was a girl and KNEW she couldn't keep her. The mother that layed her in a box, dressed for the winter (bc it was the end of Nov) at the gate of the orphanage and placed her where the guard would find her. She was still warm when the guard picked her out of the box (he said) so she had to have been "stalking" when they were there and when they weren't just in case she had to take her baby there. I wonder if she watched to make sure he got her and took her in (she was hours old!!)and how, I feel, she balled her eyes out..first for having to give her up and 2nd for her being found and praying that one day, she would have a better life! A life that would be more than she could ever give her...and how much LOVE that showed me. A love that I will one day share with her about her birth mother! As I thought all of that, I just balled and stroked her head! It was in that instant that God gripped my heart and said, "She IS your daughter! I knew she would be from the foundation of the world. I saved her just for your family!!! She came in a different way, but I saved her for you!!" I'm not going to say it was ALL perfect from that night on, but it was different!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are feeling this way, but please know that it will "CLICK!" It's so overwhelming...the paperwork, the hurry, the wait, the hurry, the checking emails, the time line, the unknown...all of it leads us to a BIG event and once we have that, and two weeks with the child, when we come home, all that hype stops and it's life as usual. A little different, but as usual! It's HARD! But...she IS your daughter, it WILL get better and your bond will be amazing!
I don't feel the same with Zoey. She was SN (cleft lip and gumline and will have to have probably 4 surgeries) she was 20 months and 4 days the day we held her. She bonded to me instantly and didn't want much to do with ANYONE else. That was hard and it's another battle we are facing but we now know..our family is complete. We have two BEAUTIFUL Chinese daughters and 3 gorgeous teenage boys. We have been so blessed and although times are hard, we still know that God set us on this journey. I don't think it's just for us, something is going to come from these adoptions, but these girls were born for US! For our family to have and love (and boy are they loved!) and we will take this responsibility with honor. We will teach our daughters about all the things they can have, but mostly about GOD! What an amazing thing!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, sorry to babble, but wanted you to know that I have been there. I will pray for you both! I look forward to seeing things get better!! Feel free to write me if you need to. mystyfy@rittermail.com. Blessings to you and your beautiful family!!!Mysty
Hi Lynne. I don't know what made me seek out your blog today, it can only be God. I recall waiting together and supporting one another through the steps of the process online (you may remember me as j2j). I just want you to know that you are not alone and I share your struggles. Your writing resonates with me as I feel a kindred spirit in you in terms of both the joys and the struggles. Would love to connect with you so we can support one another. I am going to PM you in the WAGI forum to give you my contact info.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Erin