A Bad Day

So today has been one of our classic "bad days" in terms of mine and Joni's relationship.  She has been fussy, distant and unhappy all day.  She has disobeyed in practically every area we've worked on since she's been home including, but not limited to; stealing food from her siblings, using off limits electronics, refusal to take turns with her siblings, and stuffing a huge amount of food in her mouth.  She has made poor choices and is in a real funk.  Although this may describe your typical two and a half year old girl what I find difficult and adoption related is that I can discern no cause nor improve the situation with any effort.  It's a normal day, she's been fed and slept well, I've been with her all day, and no strangers or strange environments.  I've tried redirection, verbal corrections, time-ins, time-outs, holding therapy, attempts at connection/humor, I even resorted to a swat on the bum.  But nothing helps and herein lies my struggle this year and half into our adoption journey.   Unlike my biological children, I feel completely inept and inadequate in helping to mold and restore Joni's heart.  Oh, I know what you are going to say...."Oh but Lynne her disposition is so much brighter now, she smiles so much more, she plays so well with her siblings, she talks so much more, she runs around with the other kids and seems so normal, she clearly wants you and so this must indicate trust and love"....yes, these might be true but something about days like today make me think she is just the same broken, fearful, and hurting girl we brought home a year and half ago.  She's just learned how to fake it and how to get more of what she wants.  I really question whether the harm that was done by her abandonment and 14 months of institutionalization can be reversed and I fear our relationship is doomed to a few good weeks and a few bad weeks for the rest of our lives.  I know this is a lack of faith on my part but it's what I'm feeling today.  I know that healing takes time and that progress is often two steps forward, one step back, but today those one steps backward feel overwhelming and foreshadowing a journey I'm not equipped to make.  I'm waiting...waiting for the breakthrough when I know in the deepest places that God has shown up and truly healed our daughter and set her on a path toward life to the fullest.  That's what adoption means to me now.  Staying committed, asking for help (from God and others), staying humble and broken, and waiting with hope that His promises (to me and to Joni) will come true. 

"How gracious He will be when you cry for help.  As soon as He hears, He will answer you."
-Isaiah 30:19

"I will turn your sadness to gladness.  I will give you comfort and joy!
-Jeremiah 31:13

"Call upon Me in the day of trouble.  I will deliver you and you will honor Me."
-Psalm 50:15

"You hear, O Lord, the call of the hurting.  You encourage them.  You listen to their cry."
-Psalm 10:17

"Yes, the Lord is my helper.  I will not be afraid."
-Hebrews 13:6

"God is able to make all grace abound to you."
-2 Cor. 9:8

Even as I write this it occurs to me that Joni might wake up and be her silly, fun, sweet, helpful version and all will be well with the world and once again I will be singing the wonders of adoption.  I am not usually not an emotionally led person but that is me with Joni...so up and down.  I can't even blame today on my cycle.  Sheesh...what is this girl doing to me?