Belated Update

So it's been almost 8 months since I updated this blog.  We've been busy and I just plain lost interest for a while.  However, enough people have asked me about it that I thought a new update was needed.  Joni is doing great, growing physically, emotionally, and mentally.  She is absolutely adorable and gets attention wherever we go.  Her speech and occupational therapists think she's come so far and are so encouraged by her progress that we can reduce sessions.  They've taught me so much and are ready to "pass the torch" to me...not sure I have the confidence in myself that they have in me but I'm willing to give it a go.  The good news is we can pick services back up if needed and she qualifies.  On her good days an outsider watching Joni play with her siblings would never even know we didn't get her at birth.  They love each other deeply and annoy each other and act silly together.  It is as I dreamed it would be.  Joni LOVES her daddy, she greets him as he walks in the door and loves to ride around on the golf cart with him at work.  He's pretty smitten too.  So now for the harder side of things.  Joni still has tough days...in fact today at the park she just followed me around, freaked out when I put her on something that spins, REALLY freaked out in the bathroom with the hand dryer and seemed to only be genuinely happy when we were eating our snack (food remains her true love).  Thankfully these days are the exception and not the norm.  As far as our bond goes...it's still in progress.  She has begun initiating kisses and hugs (sparingly, very sparingly) and for me (the ultimate affectionate) that has been huge in being able to receive/feel her love.  She still mostly just tolerates my cuddles and tickles but I can tell they don't distress her the way they used to....hoping one day to move them into the "enjoyable" category.  Things feel normal at home now, not like I am babysitting 24-7.  But the honest truth is even after almost a year and a half I still feel a "lack" in our relationship.  I get angry too quickly at her, though thankfully I am beginning to find some victory in responding the way I want to.  There are moments she feels foreign and I get annoyed at her behavior.  Joni struggles to love me too, I can see it.  She still has some walls up and they get reinforced every time I say "no" to her, get angry or put any boundary on her.  She wants to do and have everything her sister and brother do and have, when I don't allow it the incredible "injustice" cannot be resolved in her mind and I can't seem to help her in that.  There is no "this person is wise, loves me unconditionally, and has my best interests at heart" in Joni's mind, there is only "this person doesn't care about my feelings and is totally unfair so she must not really love me in this moment".  I'm at a loss as to how to combat this.  Joni also still struggles with processing issues.  Getting her to talk was amazing and took a lot of hard work on every one's part.  But nothing comes easy for her and I think her anxiety and fears and people-pleasing nature get her distracted and make it very difficult for her to process and store information and access it later.  She still doesn't even really answer "yes" or "no" accurately and can't tell the difference between a sheep and cow (but has no trouble with all other animals).  It's hard to explain but there is just some "misfiring" that I'm detecting. I'm not sure long term what this will mean for her but the real struggle is can I love and accept her unconditionally so that all challenges are met with patience and compassion?  I really WANT to be there and I've certainly grown but haven't arrived yet.  I'm trying to give myself grace but that is also a struggle for me.  I know what she needs and I know what she deserves.  I wait and pray and beg for my heart to be broken for Joni because I know that I have yet to really weep over her situation in the way I should.  It's weird knowing all this intellectual information but having to wait until it transfers to my heart fully.  I have no control and this isn't easy for me. 

All this to say I am SO grateful for Joni and my famliy.  We are very blessed and I feel this way 99% of the time.  It's so hard to know what of our struggles are adoption related and which ones aren't.  My biggest fear is that my blog would discourage adoption so I want to make it very clear that I believe Joni was meant to be in our family, that had she stayed in the orphanage her capacity to engage in an intimate relationship would have been destroyed, that I, Scott, Oakley and Colston love better because of her.  If someome were to take Joni from us (God included) I would be DEVASTED and would immediately miss her eyes, smile, laugh, walk, fingers, silliness, skin...everything just like if one of my biological children were taken.  I don't regret bringing her home, it is one of the best things I have every done, but also maybe the hardest.  I suspect to many of you that will make a lot of sense.