I love all of my children.

I just want to make it clear that I really love all of my children.  I see each one as a unique blessing that God purposely brought into my life and into the world.  I was meant to be their mom (even in Joni's case I believe God knew from the beginning of time that some other woman was going to birth her but I was going to raise her).  I wouldn't trade any of them for any other kids.  I know I am a better person for being their mom and I hope I can raise them to be men and women who live life to the full and bless everyone they know. 

I especially want to make the point that despite a difficult transition I am so glad Joni is my daughter and that God chose her for our family.  She has a lovely personality and is so sweet and charming.  All of her fears, insecurities, neediness, and walls have to do with her great loss and difficulties she lived through in her first 14 months.  I do wish we could have had Joni since birth, it would have made things so much easier for us and her.  However I also believe these lessons we are learning will be so precious to us and make us better in so many ways.  Most days I have great hope that healing for Joni will come but even if things remain difficult all our lives I trust God's purposes and I believe we will find some peace and know in our hearts that we did all we could for Joni.  At some point we all have to chose who we are going to be and what kind of life we want to live, our past and our parents don't have to define this for us. 

Oakley's last day of Kindergarten...I can't believe I have a 1st grader!  She's so excited to be in Miss Robertson's class next year.

My poor little lady, sick every other week and getting used to taking her medicine.

Don't mess with the Prinzing clan ya'll.

Joni's hair is finally long enough to rock the Pebbles look.

Please keep your seat belt on until the ride comes to a complete stop.

What a roller coaster ride we (Joni and I) have been on.  My last post was full of optimism and hope but if someone were to call me right now and sincerely inquire how I was doing I'd burst into tears.  The last two weeks have been really bad.  My husband's busy season has begun and although he is making great efforts to help out I am really missing his help and just his calming presence.  Joni is sick AGAIN.  I think she's thrown up, had a fever or a bad cough every other week since she's been home.  This does not help with our bonding process and although I know in my head it is completely not her fault (in fact it's probably ours for bringing her here and exposing her system to an entire new set of germs) I find myself feeling resentful for the extra work and how needy/clingy/whiny/fussy she is during these times.  As a mom I want to snuggle and kiss her but she doesn't want that (physically she pushes me away or fusses when I make these attempts).  Her attitude toward Colston (our son, 15 months older then Joni)  is REALLY getting to me as well.  He has been trying so hard to love her and she fusses practically every time he comes near.  She has moments when she is playful with him but it's totally on her terms and depending on her mood.  I'm disappointed because of my expectation that being close in age would make them play pals.  I had visions of them getting into trouble together and giggling together as they trick mommy.  Instead I'm constantly having to worry about giving time and attention to Joni and making up for her rejection to Colston.  He visibly shrugs it off a lot but every once in a while he says, "Joni doesn't like me."  Uggg, it crushes me.  He's such a lovable guy and I can tell he really thinks Joni is so cute and wants to be friends.  I get angry at her.  I know it's totally unreasonable because I don't think Joni is mean by choice...her loss, the orphanage life has wounded her and made it difficult for her to take her walls down and open her heart.  But I can't shake this anger that for four months Colston and I have been really trying to show her love but all she shows love for is food.  It seems to be the worst when it's just the three of us which also presents a challenge because I feel so isolated...no one sees it but me and Colston.  When I try to explain to friends they often make comments like, "my child does that" or "it's only been four months" or "she obviously loves you" or "my kids fight constantly".  I know they are just trying to be helpful and honestly I don't even know how I want them to respond but those responses feel so dismissive like what I am going through is normal (even normal for an adoption) and I should be able to handle it like everyone else is doing.  The truth is I've been involved in adoption for 11 years, a biological parent for 6, and this isn't normal.  Although it many not be normal it does happen with enough frequency that I knew it was a possiblity, I just hoped God would spare us or that within the struggle I'd feel His presence and guidance.  Instead I feel like a complete failure, at a complete loss as to how to make things better and that sometimes my reactions are hurting Joni worse.  I've read the books, done online training, connected to other adoptive parents going through the same thing, prayed over her a night, searched the scriptures and prayed through them for myself...it's not helping.  SO yesterday I took the big step of contacting an attachment therapist.  It is a scary step to take because honestly the words "Radical Attachment Disorder" freak me out and I worry about putting a label on her.  Something is not right though and I am open to the possibility it may be me who needs the therapy.  I feel God pressing in on me to the point of breaking but not quite.  I yearn for the day I can feel peace and lasting hope within this trial.  Please keep praying for us and be patient as my emotional journey laid out here swings around, I didn't anticipate that.  I was hoping for a progressive improvement incline and instead find myself feeling like an Arkanoid ball.
       

Summer Fun

ummmm...what's this grass doing in my bucket of water?

Happy 35th to the best daddy in the world!

Makin It

Once again the "fake it till you make it" philosophy prevails.  I am officially feeling like Joni's mommy...not just her caretaker, not just her guardian, not just her admirer, not her recently adoptive mom...but her mommy.  These almost four months have been a real roller coaster of emotions, fears, joys, unknowns, sweet memories and desperate prayers.  I finally feel like my head is not under water and that our family of five is no longer a novelty but a blessed life.  I can't even say when or how it happened...each day I got up determined to do my best and rely on the Lord.  Each day Joni and I learned a little more about each other.  Each day we made some mistakes, asked for forgiveness, and moved forward.  The bad days (and there were a handful of really bad days that I cannot think about without regret) got less and less.  Somewhere along the way, Joni opened her heart and began to trust.  Somewhere along the way I gave my fears up to Lord and came to understand that I wasn't expected to "fix" what was broken in Joni's heart.  I was just supposed to be her mom.  I think it really hit me yesterday that we've arrived.  A speech therapist came out to evaluate Joni (she has only one word "yeh" and is generally very quiet...not sure why we are trying to change this, ha ha, jk) and I realized as she was sitting on my lap and interacting with the therapist I had a smile ear to ear the whole time.  Not just that but I was so proud of every little thing she did and I had to hold myself back from trying to help her.  I wasn't just watching her being evaluated, I was feeling really connected and going through it with her.  I was...I am her mommy.  For life and it's one of my greatest privileges.