Makin It

Once again the "fake it till you make it" philosophy prevails.  I am officially feeling like Joni's mommy...not just her caretaker, not just her guardian, not just her admirer, not her recently adoptive mom...but her mommy.  These almost four months have been a real roller coaster of emotions, fears, joys, unknowns, sweet memories and desperate prayers.  I finally feel like my head is not under water and that our family of five is no longer a novelty but a blessed life.  I can't even say when or how it happened...each day I got up determined to do my best and rely on the Lord.  Each day Joni and I learned a little more about each other.  Each day we made some mistakes, asked for forgiveness, and moved forward.  The bad days (and there were a handful of really bad days that I cannot think about without regret) got less and less.  Somewhere along the way, Joni opened her heart and began to trust.  Somewhere along the way I gave my fears up to Lord and came to understand that I wasn't expected to "fix" what was broken in Joni's heart.  I was just supposed to be her mom.  I think it really hit me yesterday that we've arrived.  A speech therapist came out to evaluate Joni (she has only one word "yeh" and is generally very quiet...not sure why we are trying to change this, ha ha, jk) and I realized as she was sitting on my lap and interacting with the therapist I had a smile ear to ear the whole time.  Not just that but I was so proud of every little thing she did and I had to hold myself back from trying to help her.  I wasn't just watching her being evaluated, I was feeling really connected and going through it with her.  I was...I am her mommy.  For life and it's one of my greatest privileges.