Please keep your seat belt on until the ride comes to a complete stop.

What a roller coaster ride we (Joni and I) have been on.  My last post was full of optimism and hope but if someone were to call me right now and sincerely inquire how I was doing I'd burst into tears.  The last two weeks have been really bad.  My husband's busy season has begun and although he is making great efforts to help out I am really missing his help and just his calming presence.  Joni is sick AGAIN.  I think she's thrown up, had a fever or a bad cough every other week since she's been home.  This does not help with our bonding process and although I know in my head it is completely not her fault (in fact it's probably ours for bringing her here and exposing her system to an entire new set of germs) I find myself feeling resentful for the extra work and how needy/clingy/whiny/fussy she is during these times.  As a mom I want to snuggle and kiss her but she doesn't want that (physically she pushes me away or fusses when I make these attempts).  Her attitude toward Colston (our son, 15 months older then Joni)  is REALLY getting to me as well.  He has been trying so hard to love her and she fusses practically every time he comes near.  She has moments when she is playful with him but it's totally on her terms and depending on her mood.  I'm disappointed because of my expectation that being close in age would make them play pals.  I had visions of them getting into trouble together and giggling together as they trick mommy.  Instead I'm constantly having to worry about giving time and attention to Joni and making up for her rejection to Colston.  He visibly shrugs it off a lot but every once in a while he says, "Joni doesn't like me."  Uggg, it crushes me.  He's such a lovable guy and I can tell he really thinks Joni is so cute and wants to be friends.  I get angry at her.  I know it's totally unreasonable because I don't think Joni is mean by choice...her loss, the orphanage life has wounded her and made it difficult for her to take her walls down and open her heart.  But I can't shake this anger that for four months Colston and I have been really trying to show her love but all she shows love for is food.  It seems to be the worst when it's just the three of us which also presents a challenge because I feel so isolated...no one sees it but me and Colston.  When I try to explain to friends they often make comments like, "my child does that" or "it's only been four months" or "she obviously loves you" or "my kids fight constantly".  I know they are just trying to be helpful and honestly I don't even know how I want them to respond but those responses feel so dismissive like what I am going through is normal (even normal for an adoption) and I should be able to handle it like everyone else is doing.  The truth is I've been involved in adoption for 11 years, a biological parent for 6, and this isn't normal.  Although it many not be normal it does happen with enough frequency that I knew it was a possiblity, I just hoped God would spare us or that within the struggle I'd feel His presence and guidance.  Instead I feel like a complete failure, at a complete loss as to how to make things better and that sometimes my reactions are hurting Joni worse.  I've read the books, done online training, connected to other adoptive parents going through the same thing, prayed over her a night, searched the scriptures and prayed through them for myself...it's not helping.  SO yesterday I took the big step of contacting an attachment therapist.  It is a scary step to take because honestly the words "Radical Attachment Disorder" freak me out and I worry about putting a label on her.  Something is not right though and I am open to the possibility it may be me who needs the therapy.  I feel God pressing in on me to the point of breaking but not quite.  I yearn for the day I can feel peace and lasting hope within this trial.  Please keep praying for us and be patient as my emotional journey laid out here swings around, I didn't anticipate that.  I was hoping for a progressive improvement incline and instead find myself feeling like an Arkanoid ball.