Adoption Video

Last year on the day after Thanksgiving we saw our daughter's face for the first time.  Life has never been the same since and we are so thankful.

 

Another corner turned...

Hope continues to grow in my heart the past few weeks.  Joni has definitely changed in a positive way, not drastically but a subtle settling, like the way a new house does.  I can tell she has reached a level of comfort but the signs are only things I as her mom would pick up...she smiles a little more, she's a little less fearful, she's getting out of her toddler bed when she's ready, she's chatting to herself at night, her displays of emotion seem a little more genuine less dramatic, and she even...for the very first time...gave me a hug spontaneously (not much pressure but some!).  It was magical.  I too am feeling some subtle changes, hard to explain except that things feel normal again and my love and connection to Joni has grown stronger.  When Joni demanded so much of my attention I was so ready to have breaks, now when we are apart I miss her a little.  Sometimes at night I have these urges to check on my kids, just to watch them sleeping and take in their scent and let that overwhelming feeling of wonder-love flood into my heart.  I never felt that urge with Joni until now.

We still have a road to travel on our journey.  I think more corners are in our future but I am so grateful for where we are.  I pray one day Joni and I will reach an incredible level of connection that comes easily, naturally.  She deserves that from a mom and we've worked hard for it.

Family Photo Session

A friend of mine, Kathy Young, was so wonderful to do a photo shoot for us the week she was due to have a baby. Here are the best ones. Unfortunately Joni has still not caught on to the whole camera thing and the only good pictures we get of her are when she is truly having fun and we manage to capture it. Otherwise she refuses to smile or look at that camera. That particular day she refused to even let me put her down. But everyone else looks great!

Mind the Gap

I know I haven't posted in a while.  I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a broken record and I worry that I'm not able to express things in the way that I want to.  The truth is that Joni is doing really well.  Pretty much every "issue" that she's struggled with has improved significantly.  When something new pops up I get concerned, get discouraged, ask for God's help and see her move in a positive direction.  But to be honest I still have bad days.  Days when she feels strange to me, when I lose my patience, when I don't feel connected, when I let fear overcome me, when I worry about the future, when I notice the difference in how I feel about her versus my bio kids, and when I have trouble enjoying her.  So I have come to the difficult conclusion that the main problem lies with me, in my heart.  Yes, Joni has some real gaps...gaps in her security, gaps in her communication, gaps in her understanding, gaps in her maturity, gaps in her ability to show affection, gaps in her ability to trust but the truth is I do too.  Gaps in the very things that should mark a follower of Christ...love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, GENTLENESS, and self-control.  I know that these things come as a gift from God and so I've been asking, pleading for Him to increase where I am weak.  Joni has humbled me in a very real and powerful way but some days it overwhelms me.  I feel ill equipped, tired, discouraged, and perhaps the worst...I feel God being silent.  I knew that being an adoptive mother would be hard but I also expected the Lord to meet me where I was at.  This is not Biblical, so I'm not defending it, but deep down I realized I expected that since we were making the sacrifice and doing the "good work" of bringing home an orphan when we could have easily procreated biologically, that He would in turn give me a mother's heart for this child right away...or at least soon after bringing her home.  But even today after seven months it is not 100% there on some days.  This produces a lot of guilt in me and I fear Joni can sense this and it is setting her back further.  Additionally the lack makes the daily care taking tasks a lot harder. 

So what do all these gaps mean for us?  Well, they keep me on my knees.  I will get up each day and remain committed to being a mom (albeit an imperfect one) to Joni.  I will lean on my husband and family and friends.  I will blog and advocate for orphans.  I will be grateful and rejoice the progress and good days.  I will continue to trust the person who has bridged a bigger gap then these for me.

Random Pictures of My Cuties

Introducing Joni

I know our daughter has been home now for six months and that most of you have already met her but with her type of attachment issues she really doesn't show anyone outside of the immediate family who she really is.  When we go out or spend time in other people's homes the Joni you see is very shy, will insist on being in my arms, doesn't usually make a sound, and has an anxious look on her face.  She might tolerate being held by you but won't appear to enjoy it.  However you are usually rewarded with a big smile once she is transferred back into my arms because once she is back in the safety zone she feels comfortable relating to you and wants you to know that.  So I thought I'd describe the little toddler who roams our home, as seen through her mother's eyes. 

Joni wakes up immediately upon hearing the door open.  I swear she is vigilant even in sleep.  She is usually quick to smile once woken up.  Joni LOVES food.  She will eat as much as you give her (I learned this the hard way).  She likes to hold a utensil but pick things up with her fingers.  I'm sure this has to do with first year of life being lived in an orphanage but Joni stuffs her mouth full, chews briefly using her front teeth and swallows large pieces whole.  This causes contention between us because although I've taught her to take only one normal bite and to take time chewing she only does this when I'm watching...the second I look away she's back to her old habits.  She is so food obsessed that she will steal food off of Colston's plate when she has a full plate of food in front of her.  Joni is very ticklish but only sometimes enjoys being tickled.  She is very silly and mimics what her brother and sister does.  She likes to walk around with a blankie over her head as Oakley and Colston run away from the "ghost."  Her other favorite is when we play "monster" and I put her on my shoulders and we chase the other two around the house.  She can even make the "maw, maw, maw" noise that monster makes.  She plays very well by herself and can spend several minutes with one toy.  She's smart, she observes everything and makes connections that astound me sometimes.  Joni loves being held by me.  She can speak (if you ask her to say things she will try repeat them) but prefers communicating in other ways or just waiting until someone notices her need.  She can move like a ninja...I swear I knock her over at least once a day because she sneaks up so close to me without me knowing.  Joni DOES not like swinging motions or spinning motions.  She approaches every new experience with fear and crying...water, sand, grass, sprinkler, swings, etc...but then after some continued exposure starts to let herself enjoy things.  For example she HATED the bath for at least a month, cried the entire time, and now she tries to get in right away with her clothes still on.  She likes to laugh, run and scream with Colston and Oakley.  These days she follows Colston around and plays the part of the pesky sister well.  Of course whatever toy he's playing with is what she wants.  Although quiet and shy, she can be fiesty and screech back, swat or bite her brother if he's too rough or takes something away from her.  She loves getting her round of good night kisses.  She loves her blanket.  She is a good cleaner upper and a good helper when mommy needs her to throw away her diaper or deposit dirty clothes in the hamper.  She doesn't like her siblings to sit in her carseat, stroller, or highchair.  She loves her daddy.  Joni likes to dance, bop side to side, and clap to music.  Shes a little stubborn.  I've already mentioned the food issue but another example is going down stairs.  She likes to face forward and scoot down on her butt...which isn't the safest method.  I've taught her to go backwards but she still insists on doing it her own way.  Joni likes attention but at the same time I think feels anxiety if she doesn't know what you expect of her.  She loves shoes and likes to try on everyone's and scatter them around the house.   

Those are just a few things about my daughter that I've observed but I suspect we may see a lot of flux in the next couple of years as she begins to feel more secure, settled, comfortable and able to better communicate.  I'm looking forward to discovering who this little person is at her core and eventually for her to be free enough to show everyone else.             

Feeling Like a Family

We just got back from the Adirondacks where my in-laws have a house on the Fulton Lake chain.  The weather was amazing and we went kayakking, swimming, jet skiing, boating, and ate like kings.  We even had a scenic chair lift ride up a mountain and played with hula-hoops.  Oakley had a big week...she took golf lessons and learned to ride a bike without training wheels.  But the best part for me was seeing all three of the kids playing together, being silly, sharing toys, playing in the sand, just like any other family.  Sure, we got a few more stares and even some questions from strangers, but for the most part we were just having fun and building memories.  I wasn't worried about attachment issues or future issues Joni will have to deal with or compensating for all the attention she gets.  I felt for the first time since we adopted Joni, mentally relaxed and at peace.  I'm so grateful for the time and thankful God has allowed Joni's heart to put down some walls and accept the family and new life she's been given.  I can only hope and pray she (and we) continue in this positive direction.    

Two Wonderful Weeks

Playing "horsey" is getting a little tougher these days.

If I believed in "jinxing" right now I wouldn't be writing this post.  But I don't.  I believe in a God that binds up the broken hearted, heals the sick, turns ashes into beauty, who restores the years the locust have eaten,  and is close to the grieving.  What an awesome God to serve.  I don't know why and I don't know if it will continue but Joni has had two wonderful weeks.  She has been happy, more independent, acting the part of a little sister to Colston, and even began talking!  She can say "dog", "mama", "baby", "dada", "more", "ya", "up", "help" and today...."noodle".  I honestly think something just clicked with her and she has been able to move forward cognitively, relationally and emotionally.  I am prepared for perhaps a time of regression and that Joni's mood might turn but I am still grateful for these past weeks.  Not only have they been a needed respite but they have given me a true vision of what our family can look like.  And gosh, it's beautiful!  I mean, THIS is what I've prayed for and wanted for so many years.  I really hope God is showing me that He is faithful, that He has been listening, that He is powerful and that He wants to bless us beyond our imagination.  I also really hope that if it gets difficult again I still have the courage and endurance to love Joni unconditionally, trust that God loves me, and the perspective that our story (The Prinzing Family Story) has many, many more years to weave a beautiful ending.    

God Bless America, Land that I Love.

We had a wonderful 4th of July that included a parade, park, fishing, friends, and fireworks.  Ever since we got back from a visit to my parent's house Joni has been doing great, praise the Lord!  I have to say that I'm happy to ride the happy/secure/receptive Joni wave as long as I can but I can feel my heart bracing for the switch.  It occurred to me that perhaps it takes a lot of effort for Joni to be...well happy..and a part of a family, and that maybe some days she just doesn't have it in her (like especially when she is sick).  This is a sad thought to me and I hope and pray that one day contentment/security/joy/connection will become her new "MO" and come naturally.  Thanks for sharing in this journey with me friends, I feel God's blessings today and I know you all will stand with me on the days I don't "feel" them as much.

I love all of my children.

I just want to make it clear that I really love all of my children.  I see each one as a unique blessing that God purposely brought into my life and into the world.  I was meant to be their mom (even in Joni's case I believe God knew from the beginning of time that some other woman was going to birth her but I was going to raise her).  I wouldn't trade any of them for any other kids.  I know I am a better person for being their mom and I hope I can raise them to be men and women who live life to the full and bless everyone they know. 

I especially want to make the point that despite a difficult transition I am so glad Joni is my daughter and that God chose her for our family.  She has a lovely personality and is so sweet and charming.  All of her fears, insecurities, neediness, and walls have to do with her great loss and difficulties she lived through in her first 14 months.  I do wish we could have had Joni since birth, it would have made things so much easier for us and her.  However I also believe these lessons we are learning will be so precious to us and make us better in so many ways.  Most days I have great hope that healing for Joni will come but even if things remain difficult all our lives I trust God's purposes and I believe we will find some peace and know in our hearts that we did all we could for Joni.  At some point we all have to chose who we are going to be and what kind of life we want to live, our past and our parents don't have to define this for us. 

Oakley's last day of Kindergarten...I can't believe I have a 1st grader!  She's so excited to be in Miss Robertson's class next year.

My poor little lady, sick every other week and getting used to taking her medicine.

Don't mess with the Prinzing clan ya'll.

Joni's hair is finally long enough to rock the Pebbles look.

Please keep your seat belt on until the ride comes to a complete stop.

What a roller coaster ride we (Joni and I) have been on.  My last post was full of optimism and hope but if someone were to call me right now and sincerely inquire how I was doing I'd burst into tears.  The last two weeks have been really bad.  My husband's busy season has begun and although he is making great efforts to help out I am really missing his help and just his calming presence.  Joni is sick AGAIN.  I think she's thrown up, had a fever or a bad cough every other week since she's been home.  This does not help with our bonding process and although I know in my head it is completely not her fault (in fact it's probably ours for bringing her here and exposing her system to an entire new set of germs) I find myself feeling resentful for the extra work and how needy/clingy/whiny/fussy she is during these times.  As a mom I want to snuggle and kiss her but she doesn't want that (physically she pushes me away or fusses when I make these attempts).  Her attitude toward Colston (our son, 15 months older then Joni)  is REALLY getting to me as well.  He has been trying so hard to love her and she fusses practically every time he comes near.  She has moments when she is playful with him but it's totally on her terms and depending on her mood.  I'm disappointed because of my expectation that being close in age would make them play pals.  I had visions of them getting into trouble together and giggling together as they trick mommy.  Instead I'm constantly having to worry about giving time and attention to Joni and making up for her rejection to Colston.  He visibly shrugs it off a lot but every once in a while he says, "Joni doesn't like me."  Uggg, it crushes me.  He's such a lovable guy and I can tell he really thinks Joni is so cute and wants to be friends.  I get angry at her.  I know it's totally unreasonable because I don't think Joni is mean by choice...her loss, the orphanage life has wounded her and made it difficult for her to take her walls down and open her heart.  But I can't shake this anger that for four months Colston and I have been really trying to show her love but all she shows love for is food.  It seems to be the worst when it's just the three of us which also presents a challenge because I feel so isolated...no one sees it but me and Colston.  When I try to explain to friends they often make comments like, "my child does that" or "it's only been four months" or "she obviously loves you" or "my kids fight constantly".  I know they are just trying to be helpful and honestly I don't even know how I want them to respond but those responses feel so dismissive like what I am going through is normal (even normal for an adoption) and I should be able to handle it like everyone else is doing.  The truth is I've been involved in adoption for 11 years, a biological parent for 6, and this isn't normal.  Although it many not be normal it does happen with enough frequency that I knew it was a possiblity, I just hoped God would spare us or that within the struggle I'd feel His presence and guidance.  Instead I feel like a complete failure, at a complete loss as to how to make things better and that sometimes my reactions are hurting Joni worse.  I've read the books, done online training, connected to other adoptive parents going through the same thing, prayed over her a night, searched the scriptures and prayed through them for myself...it's not helping.  SO yesterday I took the big step of contacting an attachment therapist.  It is a scary step to take because honestly the words "Radical Attachment Disorder" freak me out and I worry about putting a label on her.  Something is not right though and I am open to the possibility it may be me who needs the therapy.  I feel God pressing in on me to the point of breaking but not quite.  I yearn for the day I can feel peace and lasting hope within this trial.  Please keep praying for us and be patient as my emotional journey laid out here swings around, I didn't anticipate that.  I was hoping for a progressive improvement incline and instead find myself feeling like an Arkanoid ball.
       

Summer Fun

ummmm...what's this grass doing in my bucket of water?

Happy 35th to the best daddy in the world!

Makin It

Once again the "fake it till you make it" philosophy prevails.  I am officially feeling like Joni's mommy...not just her caretaker, not just her guardian, not just her admirer, not her recently adoptive mom...but her mommy.  These almost four months have been a real roller coaster of emotions, fears, joys, unknowns, sweet memories and desperate prayers.  I finally feel like my head is not under water and that our family of five is no longer a novelty but a blessed life.  I can't even say when or how it happened...each day I got up determined to do my best and rely on the Lord.  Each day Joni and I learned a little more about each other.  Each day we made some mistakes, asked for forgiveness, and moved forward.  The bad days (and there were a handful of really bad days that I cannot think about without regret) got less and less.  Somewhere along the way, Joni opened her heart and began to trust.  Somewhere along the way I gave my fears up to Lord and came to understand that I wasn't expected to "fix" what was broken in Joni's heart.  I was just supposed to be her mom.  I think it really hit me yesterday that we've arrived.  A speech therapist came out to evaluate Joni (she has only one word "yeh" and is generally very quiet...not sure why we are trying to change this, ha ha, jk) and I realized as she was sitting on my lap and interacting with the therapist I had a smile ear to ear the whole time.  Not just that but I was so proud of every little thing she did and I had to hold myself back from trying to help her.  I wasn't just watching her being evaluated, I was feeling really connected and going through it with her.  I was...I am her mommy.  For life and it's one of my greatest privileges.

Mother's Day Photos

Do I feel the same about Joni as I did my bio babies?

I've been putting off this post long enough.  I will try to be authentic and clear but I have a feeling that only those who have both bio and adopted children will truly be able to understand my sentiments.  So if you don't fall into this category please extend me some grace.

The honest first part of my answer is no.  From the moment I saw Joni's picture I prayed that she would be the one for us.  When they placed her in my arms I thought she was the bravest, cutest, loveliest, most fascinating creature I had ever laid eyes on (sorry Oakley and Colston but it's true).  My heart swelled with compassion, curiosity, tenderness, and protectiveness.  Those days spent in China were amazing as we watched a petrified, catatonic little baby slowly open up and begin to accept our love and care...then we got home. 

The truth was, she was a stranger to us and we were strangers to her.  She had strange orphanage behaviors and deep emotional needs.  This was different from my biological babies who from the moment they came out felt familiar and seemed to automatically know who we were.  We didn't have to work on bonding, it came naturally and was already there to some degree.  They were blank slates ready and willing to trust us to care for all their needs.  There IS something to the biological connection.  I believe it was created by God and meant to assist us through the sleepless nights and projectile vomiting.  Even at my worst newborn moments my heart had an inexhaustible reservoir of love and compassion for my babies.  I didn't have this automatically with Joni and so the tough moments were difficult.  The fun, happy times were incredible, beyond my dreams (I can't get or give enough kisses from that child)...but if she was excessively fussy or clingly or mean to my other children, I really struggled in my feelings towards her.  This deficit often made me feel guilty because even if I still acted appropriately loving toward her (and I have to confess that sometimes I didn't, thankfully most times I did) I knew my heart wasn't matching that action.  I mean what kind of monster was I?  I knew to expect these behaviors and actually in my "professional" opinion Joni was doing at least average in her transition period.  But this wasn't something I could just grit my teeth and change or read books about and fix.  So I prayed that God would give me a true mother's heart for Joni so that I could love her just as much as her biological mother would have if she had kept her...even more.

So before you call CPS let me give you the second part of my answer, "No, not yet but each day my mother's love grows more and more."  God is in the process of answering my prayers and this journey of bonding continues in a positive direction.  It's been under three months since we've had Joni and I'm relieved and grateful that what didn't come "naturally" is coming "supernaturally".  I can see that shortly, even when things are tough, Joni will stir up the same feelings and emotions that my other two children do, in fact most days she does.  The moments I find myself struggling I now handle better with more hope and less judgement. 

I can't express how happy I am to be celebrating this mother's day feeling like Joni's true mother, not just in deed but in the deepest places of my heart.

Somebody likes Easter candy....

Good times on vacation