Rough Days

Any blog worth reading has some vulnerability and honesty to it.  We've taken a few steps back in the mommy-daughter bonding and adjustment journey.  These setbacks are due to the weaknesses and sin in my own heart.  I could try to justify them and chalk it up to jet lag, emotional overload, adjustment to a family of five, a sick baby...but it wouldn't be true.  Joni has been fussy, unwilling to try new food, not making eye contact, wanting me yet backing away from any affection, and mostly inactive with a constant look of distress on her face.  It reminds me of the first few days we had her except that those first few days she really displayed that she needed me.  I guess I thought also that once she was around Colston and Oakley she would just click with them and it would relax her and help her personality to come out.  Unfortunately she's treating them like she did Scott in the beginning.  I can see now that China was a honeymoon of sorts.  When I could devote myself to just adoring her she soaked it up, now that I have to be "mom" and do things that she doesn't like (wiping noses, taking temperatures, giving baths, giving medicine...all these elicit cries that sound dramatic and forced to me) she is resenting me.  With my other children who I cared for from the womb there was already a strong emotional foundation on which to build on.  They intrinsically trusted that whatever I was doing was for their good, even if they didn't like it.  Joni I sense doesn't believe that yet.  She still thinks it's up to her to take her of herself.  When you have children you expect to see independence assertion but like at around 12, not 14 months.  In all honesty it is hard to care for an autonomous baby.

But sweet Joni is just a product of her situation.  She DID have to look out for herself and she DOESN'T know that I can be trusted to be in charge of her ultimate good.  Additionally I really think that Joni by nature is not a person who likes change.  Can you imagine what stress and sadness that a transition like this brings for that type of person?  So how come instead of having a heart of compassion and grace I am getting frustrated and exasperated?  Because I am weak and selfish and impatient.  I want to fast forward to the part where Joni has let all her walls down and accepted our love.  I want to see some initiation of affection on her part so that I can feel that fulfillment of being her mommy and get some affirmation that I'm doing a good job.  Isn't that pathetic?  God is sifting out the wicked things in my heart and showing me just how bankrupt I am without Him. 

So today I began the day asking Him to give me the grace, the compassion, the mercy, the patience, the kindness that only He can give.  I am looking to see how He pours all of these things on me so that I can give them out to my family.  And guess what?  Today has been a better day. 

A life a faith is so simple yet so difficult, made difficult by a will unwilling to surrender and look to daddy for help.  So I guess Joni and I aren't so different after all.